The Star Wars Holiday Special

It's the mother of all bad Christmas features, and this would not be a b-movie blog if it wasn't discussed.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is a disaster of craptacular proportions! It's like getting a lump of coal in your stocking, a package of socks and underwear from Santa, or the first time you tried your aunt's strata. Premiering once and only once as a television special, this was an epic failure that probably should have killed the franchise. A feeble attempt to capitalize on the popularity of first film, the saga continues as Luke, Han and Leia help their fuzzy friend Chewbacca make it home in time for Life Day... with Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman and Jefferson Starship!

Words cannot describe what goes on in this special; Leia singing off-key, wookies talking to each other without any translation, unfunny comedic skits, and I'm pretty sure one wookie polishes one off. It's everything you've ever wanted in a Christmas special! So wonderfully tragic and mind-boggling, The Star Wars Holiday Special will bring tears to your eyes. It is not to be missed.

Final Mark: 5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The animated sequence is actually pretty cool.
The Bad: Princess Leia singing the holiday special theme song.
The Ugly: Chewbacca's dad shoots first.
Food of Choice: Ham and Broccoli Strata
Drink of Choice: Glogg
Useless Trivia: If George Lucas had his way, every copy of this special in existence would be destroyed. If we had our way, George Lucas would stop making movies.
Favourite Quote: Darth Vader - I want the rebels located and identified if it means searching every household in the system.

Starcrash

You got to hand it to the Italians: they know how to make good trash.

Every once in a while a film comes along that is so big and so popular it spawns some really bad imitators. Us b-movie aficionados have found appreciation in big blockbusters for this exact reason. One such film was Star Wars which spawned a plethora of ridiculously bad imitators. Enter the Italian film industry, notorious for producing big Hollywood blockbuster knock-offs, who jumped on the Star Wars bandwagon to make their own sci-fi action epic... with a limited budget of course. Put all these ingredients together in a blender and puree on high, and you get Starcrash, a deliciously bad film of gigantic proportions.

What makes Starcrash so amazing is that there is so much that is bad, not just one or two things. We're talking about the acting, the set pieces, the writing, the special effects, the piss-poor dubbing, the redneck robot... everything! Mind you this is all because the incredible speed these filmmakers worked at to get this out and capitalize on the Star Wars craze, not to mention working with a budget so low Roger Corman would be ashamed. Even Caroline Munroe running around in practically nothing can't help this fabulous train wreck. But it doesn't hurt either, and frankly she doesn't need to: Starcrash is amazing the way it is. That's right kids, this is a textbook case of so-bad-its-good disorder.

As I said, there isn't just one or two things that stand out in this flick, but there are a few worth mentioning. Akton is quite possibly the most annoying and ugliest hero-slash-Luke Skywalker wannabe with an abundance of powers, including seeing into the future. L is a robot sheriff programmed with a southern US accent. Count Zartharn, the evil overlord hellbent on ruling the universe, travels through space on a giant claw that can transform into *gasp* a fist! Yes, that really is Christopher Plummer. In case you are wondering, they are called "light swords", not "light sabres". And finally, when all else fails, stop time! This is only a sample of what makes this a classic.

Starcrash is a real treat for b-movie fans. This is a treasure trove of crap cinema and, like a fine wine, only gets better with age. When it comes to ripoffs and films that are bad from start to finish, Starcrash is top-notch. It exists at the same plateau as Plan 9, but has the distinction of starring people that maintained a decent career afterwards, a rare b-movie trait. It is truly an amazing film, with a very appropriate title, and is worth multiple viewings! So good, in fact, that it deserves a loyal fan base like Star Wars or Star Trek. And for that fan base, I propose a name for them, similar to Trekkies or Deadheads. How does "bonehead" sound?

Final Mark: 4.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Caroline Munro and her interchangable sexy outfits.

The Bad: Someone watched this and gave David Hasselhoff a career.

The Ugly: Those special effects are something else...

In A Nutshell: Hey, Christopher Plummer, what's that black spot on your resume?

Useless Trivia: This was nominated for an award... a legitimate award too! It was nominated for a Saturn Award for Best Foreign Film. And that is the sound of your head exploding!

Favourite Quote(s):

• The Emperor: You know, my son, I wouldn't be Emperor of the Galaxy if I didn't have a few powers at my disposal. Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!
• Stella Star: So you see into the future. All these years you never told me. Think of all the trouble I might have avoided.
  Akton: You would have tried to change the future, which is against the law. So therefore I can tell you nothing.
• L: It's so nice to be turned on again.
• Stella Star: Get ready to ease out of orbit.
  Akton: This doesn't make you nervous, does it?"
  Stella Star: Well, leave it to me.
  Akton: Build up maximum energy!
  Stella Star: OK, I'm ready.
  Akton: All system prepare for full power!
  Stella Star: Let's lock in these controls...
  Akton: Let's go!

Santa's Slay

It always surprises me when a film with so much promise, and even a great start, ends up failing so miserably. Santa's Slay is no exception.

How's this for a premise: Santa Claus is really the son of Satan and is a truly evil bastard. But he lost a bet through a game of curling and had to be nice for a thousand years. Well now the thousand years are up and Santa is ready to go on a killing spree! now tell me that is not a great idea!! How do you make it better? You add a Jewish pro wrestler as Santa, a ridiculous cast of cameos (James Caan, Fran Drescher, Dave Thomas, Rebecca Gayheart, Robert Culp, and many more), everyone's favourite Hollywood hack Brett Ratner as producer, an animated sequence reminiscent of some classic holiday specials, and you've got yourself a winner! Right?...

Unfortunately the film falls short of greatness. What makes this more disappointing is that it started out pretty good with some decent kills, a bit of unnecessary nudity, and enough bad puns to make you vomit egg nog. But at the halfway point it just drops like a roasted chestnut and basically becomes a pile of steaming Christmas shit with an ending that really lets you down. Without giving too much away, they basically built up the story to a climax that never happened. The ending was actually quite anti-climactic, which leaves you disappointed. Yet that's not even the worst the thing about this film.

Their biggest mistake?: at one point the producer or director or one of the other hacks who worked on this thought "hey, let's set this up for a sequel so we can have this guy come back as Santa and kick some more ass, because he's totally gonna be a star in two years!" Bad idea. You see, they broke an unwritten rule of b-moviemaking: don't plan for a sequel. Your film is a b-movie!! You only have one shot to get this right, and chances are you won't be able to make another. Even if they did get to make another, after the way they ended this one I'm definitely not interested to see more.

It is really unfortunate that this film ended the way it did. I really wanted to like it; it had so much potential to become an instant b-movie classic and anti-Christmas must see! But it failed at accomplishing this status, and failed miserably. A good start that goes downhill quickly, Santa's Slay is more like a lump of coal in your stocking. 'Tis the season for great bad Christmas movies. Too bad this isn't one of them.

Final Mark: 2.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Yule (ha!) love the Rankin/Bass-like animated sequence.

The Bad: Why did this not discredit Brett Ratner career?

The Ugly: Chris Kattan needed a better death.

In A Nutshell: So much promise... so much disappointment...

Useless Trivia: Santa is played by Jewish pro-wresting star Bill Goldberg, and even performs some of his trademark wresting moves in this flick. Someone thought it was wise to give him a second chance at an acting career after his role in the Universal Solider sequel.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Santa Claus: Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.
• Santa Claus (while reading a copy of A Christmas Carol): Boy, Christmas can sure scare the Dickens out of people.
• Mary: You hit like a girl.
  Nick: You kiss like a guy.

Santa Claus

Every few years a film comes along that features a match-up worth showing on pay-per-view. Here we have a film that features a fight for the ages: Santa Claus vs. The Devil! What better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus two storybook icons duke it out? It just screams happy holidays!

Okay, maybe I’m hyping this film up more than I should be, but you gotta like the idea. We first meet Santa at his toyshop (which for the record is not really at the North Pole but actually in a castle on a cloud in heaven… who knew?) preparing for the big day with his many workers. You see, Santa actually doesn’t use elves; he uses children from around the world. That’s right: he kidnapped a bunch of children and put them to work, ignoring any child labour laws in the process. Isn’t this the Santa Claus you’ve always known and loved? We meet these workers during a segregated geography lesson where Santa playfully takes us through each country where he kidnapped them. Did you know that African children wear loincloths and bones in their hair, and the kids from Japan look exactly the same as the kids from China and the Orient? Neither did I, but we’re all going to hell now with that knowledge.

Speaking of hell, we then meet Pitch, a minion of Satan (all hail). Satan is pissed off. Why you ask? Because kids all around the world are happy that someone like Santa brings them presents every year… which probably explains the desire to work for him at such a young age. Children are happy, and that doesn’t sit well with Satan. So he calls on Pitch, a devil with dastardly plans and even dastardlier dance movies, to have all children turn their back on Santa.

Pitch then turns his focus to a cute little girl who only wants a doll for Christmas, the son of wealthy negligent parents, and a gang of rude little boys who actually want to kidnap and enslave Santa. How’s that for Christmas cheer, eh? One problem with this plan: Pitch is not very good at causing mischief. His antics are more annoying than they are distressing. Not to mention that Santa, aware that he would have to deal with Pitch, was prepared for his antics with some handy tools courtesy of Merlin the Magician. Lancelot had no use for him anymore, but luckily Santa was around to give him work. Hey, if Santa will allow children to work at his base of operations surely he’ll let seniors work there too. Anyway to save a buck…

For the most part this film is incoherent, with some awkward editing, piss-poor dubbing and scenes that don’t make any sense whatsoever. But the film is also quite weird at times. For example, Santa is not exactly a gentle spirit here. At times you see him leering at children a little too much, he’s extra enthusiastic when he wants to use his high tech equipment to look into their dreams, and he promises to get back at any children who knock him. It’s Santa with a mean streak! If I knew Santa was like this I probably would have been good more often. Even his jolly old laugh sounds a bit maniacal. And there are some weird moments throughout including a surreal dream sequence involving the cute little girl where she speaks to a giant version of the doll she wants, who tells her to steal the doll otherwise she’ll never have one (this is crafty work of Pitch, by the way).

And considering this film is basically known as Santa Claus vs. The Devil, it doesn’t quite live up to that promise. But they do have a few Looney Tunes-inspired encounters including one golden moment where Santa sneaks up behind Pitch with a miniature cannon and shoots a rocket in his ass! Like I said: he has a mean streak! It kinda makes you wonder what kid was gonna end with that gift. In the end there is a lesson learned about being good and bad or something like that, but you won’t know it because you won’t even know half the time what the hell is going on in this film. That being said, it’s still fairly enjoyable and would be a good flick to watch each year alone with a glass of nog and a Toblerone. Then again, Santa may be offended by his portrayal in this film, than I’d say skip it to avoid any missiles up the ass from jolly old Saint Nick.

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: If you ask nicely, Santa will bring you a machine gun… for real!

The Bad: For a source of all evil, the devil is not very clever when it comes to dastardly schemes.

The Ugly: Santa is apparently immune from all child-labour laws.

In A Nutshell: Water and chocolate ice cream are your keys to defeating the devil.

Useless Trivia: Before this film was released outside of Mexico, it was screened annually around Christmas at local theatres, becoming a popular seasonal event. These screenings also brought on the popularity of Santa Claus previously unknown in the country. Is it the child labour, the James Bond-like gadgets, or his actually vengeful nature that makes him popular?

Favourite Quote(s):

• Narrator: This is Santa's Magic Observatory. What wonderful instruments! The Ear Scope! The Teletalker, that knows everything! The Cosmic Telescope! The Master Eye! Nothing that happens on Earth is unknown to Santa Claus!
• Lucifer: This time you must not fail! This time you must not be defeated by that bearded old goat Santa Claus! If you fail you shall be punished, and instead of red-hot coals, you will eat chocolate ice cream.
  Pitch: No! No, Lucifer, King of all Evil Spirits! Not that! By the horns of everything satanic, I beg you! To live I must have heat. Frozen meals are bad for me, especially chocolate! It's very bad for my digestion, which is so delicate.
• Santa Claus: Oh! Darn that Devil Pitch! Why, if I were on Earth right now, I'd put him in his place! But even he knows I can only return to Earth one night a year.

Street Trash

Melting hobos, severed penises, rape and necrophilia, racial and class stereotypes, decapitations, James Lorinz… this movie appears to have it all. So why am I not laughing?

I’m not sure how to take Street Trash; it certainly has its charm with its buckets of rainbow gore, but it’s not as great as most people make it out to be. Since its release over twenty years ago Street Trash has become a bit of a cult classic thanks to its infamous sequences where local bums melt after each drinking a mysterious bottle of booze called Viper. It’s basically the film’s selling point, but that’s all it got going for itself. It’s also very offensive and politically incorrect. Now this is not a bad thing necessarily. In fact, much of its appeal is how it is offensive and was intentionally made that way by writer Roy Frumkes. But what makes it bad is the fact that it is not very good at being offensive and politically incorrect. There’s no reason for it, it’s just offensive for the sake of being offensive. As a result, the film feels juvenile and effortless.

And for the most part, nothing really happens here: there’s no story, just a bunch of random vignettes that have nothing to do with each other, all revolving around melting hobos. The weirdest scene is where a hobo’s dick is ripped off and used for a game of hot potato. The only developing story involves a detective investigating the deaths by vomiting on members of the Mafia, but that story ends halfway through when he is killed by the villain of the film, a crazed Vietnam vet who runs the junkyard where all the bums live and has quite the crack-whore lady friend. The only character we get to know is Fred, a bum who’s just trying to get by, but is not very likable.

Who is likable is a doorman who works for a local Mafia boss, played by James Lorinz, best known as the star of Frankenhooker. He has nothing to do with the story but has all the best scenes, basically stealing the show here. It still baffles me that Lorinz doesn’t have a career similar to Bruce Campbell. He’s the best part of this movie. But even with that and the colourful ooze, it’s not enough to keep you interested

You have to hand it to Street Trash though; it is one of the most original films ever made. Whoever it was that thought of a story about bums melting from a drink was certainly crazy enough to actually shoot it and somehow pulled it off with a fair bit of success. This something you’d expect in a Troma film, but unfortunately it is nowhere near as interesting. It has no focus, it is quite perverse without any reason, and it’s just not that funny. In the end, Street Trash is overhyped and isn’t as good as many people say it is. But maybe it’s just me. A lot of people like this film, and it is a major cult classic. Maybe I’m just missing something. It would definitely play better in front of an audience of many, so if you’re looking to check out Street Trash I recommend bringing along some friends. But don’t blame me if you lose your friends.

Final Mark: 2/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Does provide a great idea to help solve poverty.

The Bad: If you’re expecting something a little more than melting bums here you’ll be seriously disappointed.

The Ugly: Sarah, the Vietnam vet’s crack-whore sex slave, is the ugliest thing this side of ‘B’.

In A Nutshell: Don’t drink Viper, no matter how cheap it is!

Useless Trivia: Bryan Singer, director of the X-Men movies and The Usual Suspects, worked on this film as a grip. Superman Returns would have been a better film if it were more like Street Trash.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Fred: Fuck you. Gimme a bottle of booze, here's my dollar, suck my dick!
• Doorman: Everybody's a hot-headed gangster. Everybody's Mister Mafia. Ha! The Don! The Don of Douchebags, that's what you are. Nick - Nick the Dick. That's what they call you, behind your back, you and your restaurant. Your stinkin' restaurant.
• Bill: Lady, I ain't so sure you don't have a cock.

Splatter: Architects of Fear

Take it from me: working on movie sets suck balls. It is feasible to make it look interesting, but adding a character with bad make-up and a hard-on for gore is not one way to do it.

Splatter: Architects of Fear is a little movie with a nice concept that fails miserably in the first few minutes and repeatedly kicks you while you’re down up until the very end. The idea behind this movie is that it’s a documentary about special make-up effects filmmakers and the work they do, particularly on a gory horror film. First they show scenes from a film, a post-apocalyptic actioneer where mutants battle amazons, and then deconstruct that scene by showing how it was done. Not a bad idea, but that’s about as good as it gets.

One thing becomes apparent in the opening scene (after you get over the shock of the synth soundtrack and that bad ‘80’s video look) where we see two male victims cut up by amazons: these effects are terrible! For a documentary on special effects filmmaking, they picked the wrong people to focus on. These effects are bad, even for a b-movie. You know it’s bad when one guy suddenly turns into paper mache before getting stabbed in the eye. Sure, they’re using traditional low-budget techniques, but they’re not even doing it right. And it doesn’t even tell you how the effects are made, which would have been more interesting. I could have strung together better effects using play-doh and the hair from my ass! If these guys are still working in effects don’t hire them for your opus. Seriously.

As mentioned there is a movie within a movie here, which for the record I fucking hate, and though the effects suck there could at least be some substance there, right? Not in this case. This movie within a movie doesn’t make any sense; it’s just a bunch of random shit with no cohesive plot and pointless mind-numbing violence, which reaches a high point when we get to see an amazon woman literally ‘fuck the brains out’ of a mutant… and then proceed to explain how that effect is done. I’m not kidding. And when it starts to get remotely interesting, the documentary part of this movie takes you right out of it, which is incredibly annoying.

Yet, all of that could be forgiven if it wasn’t for one thing: Fang. See, film sets are boring… painfully boring… and the filmmakers knew this. So, to make it a little more entertaining, they introduce a delightful retarded character called Fang. As it turns out, Fang is a former Shakespearian actor who’s scarred from an accident and now works as a props master on horror films, getting hard-ons from seeing blood. But poor Fang just can’t catch a break and gets no respect at all on set, and assures that they’ll get what they deserve. I’ve seen my fair share of movies with annoying characters in them. But never I’ve wanted punch my television so bad before having sit though this flick and watch Fang in his many on-set adventures. The movie will probably leave you confused and frustrated, but Fang will flat-out piss you off!

Splatter: Architects of Fear is quite simply a stupid movie! The special effects suck, half of it is boring while the other half of it doesn’t make sense, and worst of all the character of Fang will make you angry. What’s even more painful is the fact that this film had potential; it had a good idea but did everything wrong in the process. It’s hard to recommend this pile of junk; it’s not even so bad it’s good, it’s just balls! It’ll bring tears to your eyes. Don’t even bother.

Final Mark: 1.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The concept. A documentary about special effects and the people who make them is not a bad idea for its time.

The Bad: The special effects. Appears to come from the do-it-yourself-at-home-with-a-five-dollar-budget school of special effects. Total shit.

The Ugly: Fang. You’ll seriously want to punch him in his one good eye after a few minutes on screen.

In A Nutshell: I was saying boo-urns! Don’t waste your time. You will get angry.

Useless Trivia: The only member of the of the cast that seemed to have emerged unscathed by this movie is, of all people, the narrator; he has gone on to work on major studio films with the likes of Robin Williams, Matt Damon, and Robert De Nero. Lucky him.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Narrator: Of course this might not be the kind of work that gets you invited to the royal parties, but then, the architects of fear are blue blooded themselves.
• Fang (as he pulls a bucket of guts up on a rope): Now is the winter of my discontent.
• Special Effects Supervisor: You'll behave yourself if I get you some food?
  Fang: I promise.
  Special Effedcts Supervisor (offering arm): Well, here, chuck in!