Fortress

A word of advice: if you're gonna have more than one kid, do so before your country becomes a totalitarian society where you get arrested for having a second child... so, China.

That's the fate that falls under our hero John Henry Brennick (the always awesome Christopher Lambert!) and his wife, who get caught on their way to Mexico to give birth to their second child, and are instead sent to a maximum security prison, because, you know, parents rank alongside serial rapists and tax evaders. Now there's a major flaw with this charge against Brennick and his wife: see, their first child died during childbirth, but according to the law that still counts and they are still not allowed to have another child. Now I know this is an abuse of power that even the Taliban would find too harsh, but don't worry folks, Christopher Lambert is here to save the day!

It's life in the Fortress where things get interesting. First, the prison is a giant high tech death trap controlled by a very angry computer with a shrill female voice. Second, the warden is Red Forman. Third, all prisoners are injected with a chip into their intestines that cause incredible pain when the computer is commanded to "intestinate". It looks like all hope is lost, but remember, Christopher Lambert will show Red Forman who's in charge.

Low budget, ultra violent, and completely over-the-top, Fortress is one bad-ass sci-fi film of the 'b' kind! Directed by Re-Animator director Stuart Gordon and also starring our favourite mad scientist Jeffrey Combs, it's a whole bag of fun with low production values and a short runtime. Did I mention Christopher Lambert?

Final Mark: 4/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Kurtwood Smith remains one of the best villains in the business.
The Bad: Extra wires and solarization can't cover up a low budget, no matter how hard you try.
The Ugly: How does one poop with a chip in their intestine?
Food of Choice: Cheesy Sausage Nachos
Drink of Choice: Extended Jail Sentence
Useless Trivia: This nearly starred Arnold Schwarzenegger in the lead role, until he dropped out and was replaced with Christopher Lambert. I think he's a suitable replacement, no?
Favourite Quote: D-Day - [Explaining the volatile nature of the Intestinator device] It's like T.N.T on PMS.

Frankenhooker

Death by super-powered lawnmower is a horrible way to go.

It’s not easy to explain Frankenhooker in a simple review; it’s one of those films you just have to see for yourself. It’s also one of those kinds of films where you really have to question the director’s level of insanity on how he managed to come up with the idea. I mean, just look at the premise here: a mad scientist who loses his wife in a freak lawnmower accident tried to put her back together using the body parts from dead hookers who were blown up by crack-cocaine genetically modified by the scientist. But things don’t go according to plan when his wife comes alive and ask if he’s looking for a good time. Honestly, who comes up with that idea?!?

As ridiculous as this film may be, it’s surprisingly good. And the reason it is so good is because it is so unbelievably ridiculous! It seems that the only reason this film got made was because it had a rating of 90 on the bizarre-o-meter. Then I remembered all the mainstream crap coming our and put that thought bubble to rest. But all that doesn’t make it a bad film. There are some genuinely funny moments. The woman who plays the title character I think really captures the essence of what a ‘frankenhooker’ is really like. And you can’t help but laugh out loud when a pimp is knocked out by the flying head from an exploding hooker. Yet for every comic moment in the film there are just as many ‘what the fuck’ moments. Director Henenlotter is a bit of a master of creating ‘what the fuck’ moments, and he exploit it a fair bit in this film. From brain drilling to exploding hookers to that thing in the freezer container to nude body examinations, this film seems to have it all.

And that’s another thing; there is so much gratuitous nudity in this film it borders on soft-core! Don’t get me wrong here; I love boobies, but even this is a little much for me. When I screened this film during the original B.O.B. festival I noticed a group of people walk in during hooker examination/supercrack orgy scene and promptly walk out. After the screening those same people approached me and asked how I got away with showing porn. Do you know what it’s like to explain to a bunch of strangers how it wasn’t porn and that they would have know that have they stayed to see the hookers explode from the supercrack? It’s fucking funny!!

There is a lesson to be learned from this film: love your wife for the ugly fat freak that she is. Another lesson: the wackier your movie idea is, the better chance it will get made. Frankenhooker is a ridiculous film, and it thrives on being ridiculous! Hell, how many times have I said ‘exploding hooker’ in this review? I can’t get over it! It’s wacky, but it’s good campy fun! What else can be said? You have to see it to believe it.

Final Mark: 3.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: James Lorinz, who plays Dr. Franken, steals the show. He’s freakin’ hilarious!

The Bad: There’s something awfully creepy about having a fancy dinner and wine with the decapitated head of your wife, but maybe it’s just me.

The Ugly: Even though he deserves it, Dr. Franken does meets an unfortunate end… and man, is it ugly!

In A Nutshell: Don’t feed supercrack to any hookers unless you are absolutely sure of the consequences.

Useless Trivia: Looking to obtain funding for another project, Henenlotter came up with the idea of Frankenhooker on the spot in front of the producer just so he wouldn’t lose an opportunity to work with him. This is the equivalent of a four-year-old making up his own words. So, does this mean that I too can come up with a ridiculous film like Frankenhooker?

Favourite Quote(s):

• Reporter: In a blaze of blood, bones, and body parts, the vivacious young girl was instantly reduced to a tossed human salad... a salad that police are still trying to gather up... a salad that was once named Elizabeth.
• Jeffrey Franken: Medical schools upset me, mother - I'm anti-social - I'm becoming dangerously amoral.