Psycho Girls

Murder, torture, cannibalism, sweaty sex… All of this can be pretty traumatizing, but when one man survives all of this, what does he do? What else?... He writes his story…

As an aficionado of all things ‘b’, you go out of your way to research and discover titles to add to your collection. But it is always the ones that come out of left field, the ones you’re not looking for, that really surprise you. Take Psycho Girls for example: I’ve never even heard of this film, yet one day after leaving the TV on, this little craptacular gem started playing. And if I didn’t change the channel sooner like I should have, I wouldn’t have wasted two hours with this amazing piece of trash.

Some people have described Psycho Girls as a tongue-in-cheek horror. Those people are fucking idiots! There is nothing tongue-in-cheek about this; it is just awful, awful, awful! This is amateur filmmaking at its finest, and it is very painful to watch. Take every possible horror cliché you can think of, and I mean the bad ones, and throw them into a script that makes no sense, and this is what you end up with. Man, does this film suck!

So what’s it about? A writer right out of a hardboiled crime film writes a story about a particularily horrific event he was a part of, which turns out to be a useless trope for the plot. It starts out with a little girl who poisons her parents and is sent to the nuthouse for her efforts. Grown up and just as crazy, she then escapes, kills her sister, and takes on her identity to torture and murder some unlucky individuals planning a dinner party, including our fateful narrator. This leads to a very weird sequence where one of the guests discusses brain mechanics while munching on an unusually glutinous piece of steak tartare. The dinner party guests are then tied up and tortured by manical killer and her crew, one that oddly looks like Freddie Mercury. The guest are tortured one by one, leading to a climax that includes a duel with pipes, and ends on a twist so laughable you will resort to torturing your dinner guests.

Despite its unabashed levels of bad horror, Psycho Girls does have one thing going for it: the torture scenes are quire gruesome, so gruesome that it’s actually still banned in some regions. It’s essentially torture horror before torture horror became big. You can almost say that this film was ahead of its time. But even that is too much praise for this heaping pile of flaming garbage.

Psycho Girls is bad, painfully bad. Not one of the worst films out there, but it’s up there. Good gore, some good shock value, but it’s very amateurish. You get the feel that they were trying to make a good movie here, and that usually results in something bad but good; not this time. The fact that they sucked at making it makes it that much more tough to watch. If you think passing a large turd through an extreme case of hemorrhoids is fun, you’ll probably dig Psycho Girls.

Final Mark: 1/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Kim Cayer. This chick is hot! She should have been a scream queen.

The Bad: A six-year-old writing a book report on Where’s Waldo would be better then writing than this cliché-ridden script.

The Ugly: That couple having sex sweats more than two pigs in a sauna… how do they grip anything?

In A Nutshell: Torture can work up an appetite; thank goodness for pizza places that also deliver pretzels and burritos and don’t call the cops when their delivery boy doesn’t return.

Useless Trivia: Director Jerry Ciccoritti had led one of the most successful directing careers in Canada shortly after making this film. If that doesn’t say enough about Canadian cinema I don’t know what does.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Narrator: She wasn't insane, she was beyond insane. She left insanity at the door. She was having a neck and neck race with sanity, and she was about to win.
• Narrator: That's my story. You can use it if you want. It would make for a good case study.

Plan 9 From Outer Space

Brilliance, thy name is Plan 9 From Outer Space.

If there were a university class about b-movies, Plan 9 From Outer Space would be the exemplary screening. What would Bottom of the Barrel be without a review of Plan 9? It is the quintessential b-movie! It is a truly great bad movie. If you looked up ‘so bad it’s good’ in the dictionary, you’d see a picture of Plan 9 next to it, along with a picture of director Ed Wood

Ahh, Ed Wood, what a hero to b-movies he turned into. He is THE legendary auteur of the b-movie genre, who made some of the greatest bad movies ever made. But nothing compared to Plan 9, his signature film, his swan song, his baby! The biopic ‘Ed Wood’ beautifully captured the director making the film, who really had no idea what he was doing but still loved what he did. He truly thought he was a genius, which makes the film that much more entertaining. The result is pure brilliance… in all the wrong ways!

What else needs to be said about Plan 9? It is one of the greatest b-movies ever made! It showed us how great a b-movie can be, at the same time showing us how not to make a movie. Bad acting, piss poor sets and props, a dumb story, all kinds of errors in continuity and composition, horrendous direction on all levels; Plan 9 From Outer Space has it all! What more is there to say that you don’t already know? Surely you know all about this movie if you are reading this review. Even people who don’t watch b-movies know all about Plan 9 and its status of ‘Worst Movie Ever Made!’

However, I do have to question that ‘Worst Movie Ever Made!’ status. It is definitely one of the worst movies ever made, but THE worst? As time goes on, I feel Plan 9 is a little less deserving of that title nowadays. Don’t get me wrong; it is a horrible movie, so horrible it’s wonderful. But it’s not that bad. To me, it doesn’t feel that bad anymore. There are worse films than this, and eventually people will see that and may not deem it as the worst, which unfortunately could result in a loss of interest towards the film, though it will always be one of the worst.

Plan 9 From Outer Space will probably not be known as the worst film ever made forever, but it is an incredibly entertaining bad movie, so bad it’s good, that will remain as one of the worst films ever made. But I’m not going call Plan 9 From Outer Space one of the worst movies ever made; I am going to call it one of the greatest b-movies ever made! That is a more fitting title. It will forever be known as a classic, the definition, of b-movies. Thank you, Ed Wood, for giving us pure, horribly insalubrious gold!

Final Mark: 4.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: There’s so much bad-it’s-good moments in this movie, it’s hard to pick just one. Probably the best is when the police show up at the graveyard during the day, and then suddenly they are walking in the graveyard at night; if you didn’t realize it then, you know by this scene that you’re in for a treat.

The Bad: It’s too bad Bela Lugosi passed away during this film. Replacing him with the producer’s wife’s chiropractor, who keeps his face covered throughout, does not do him justice.

The Ugly: Vampira. Did anyone actually find her sexy?

In A Nutshell: As time passes, Plan 9 may be a little less deserving of its ‘Worst Movie Ever’ status, but it will forever be a true b-movie classic. A must-see for any film studies class!

Useless Trivia: A local Baptist church funded the film. As part of the agreement to fund it, several cast members has to be baptized. So, with that being said, is God responsible for this beautiful piece of shit… all signs point to yes!

Favourite Quote(s):

• Eros: You see? You see? You’re stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID!!
• Jeff Trent: Modern women. They’ve been like that all down through the ages.
  Especially in a spot like this.
• Colonel Tom Edwards: This is the most fantastic story I’ve ever heard.
  Jeff Trent: And every word of it’s true, too.
  Colonel tom Edwards: That’s the fantastic part of it!
• Air Force Captain: Visits? That would indicate visitors!