Motel Hell

If there is a fine art to preparing and cooking human meat, farmer Vincent is the king!

Parody or not, Motel Hell makes for a fun time at the movies. Rory Calhoun plays old-timer Vincent Smith, a farmer who along with his charming wife captures humans, plants them in his garden, and when they're nice and plump turns them into the most delectable smoked meat this side of Missouri. Only his Sheriff son and a useless young girl spared by Vincent. Throw in Wolfman Jack as a local reverend and pig head costume, you got yourself quite the memorable flick.

If it wasn't for Rory Calhoun's hilariously over-the-top performance and his awesome pig-headed killing costume, this would just be another bad slasher flick; instead you get a funny result where a lot of people interpret it as a slasher parody, which I don't think was intentional. A bad ripoff of Texas Chainsaw? Maybe. But a direct parody? I doubt it. Regardless, Motel Hell is one fun b-movie this side of Missouri.

Final Mark: 3.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Legendary actor Rory Calhoun owns this movie!
The Bad: Vincent's fatal flaw: he uses preservatives. Shame...
The Ugly: Ida is quite the catch there, Vincent.
Food of Choice: Not Your Every Day Smoked Pork Spare Ribs
Drink of Choice: Smoked Martini
Useless Trivia: Tobe Hooper was once attached to direct this, as funny as that may sound. But he dropped out and instead made The Funhouse. Yep, he made the right decision.
Favourite Quote: Vincent Smith - There's too many people in the world and not enough food. Now this takes care of both problems at the same time.

Monster In The Closet

You know, for a Troma film, this is quite tame.

In fact, this is incredibly tame for a horror film. But this is a Troma film; not a Lloyd Kaufman Troma film, but it is released by them. It doesn’t have to be directed by Kaufman to be a typical Troma film; as long as it feels like one, it is all you need. But in watching Monster In The Closet, you wouldn’t have guessed it’s from the same team behind Class of Nuke’Em High and Terror Firmer. There’s no blood, a serious lack of boobs (with exception to one shower scene), and is not terribly offensive. You start to wonder what is it that makes this film a Troma film as you watch it, and you may find yourself losing interest after a while. But near then end, it happens: it becomes a Troma film! Maybe not a trademark Troma film, but you know right then and there its Troma.

The story of the film is something you’d expect in a kids movie, but this movie is far from it; a large, hungry creature that snatches its victims through their closets is terrorizing a small town. As it turns out, there is an alternate dimension beyond those closets, which explains how the monster gets around. A side note, this monster is ugly. I know most monsters are supposed to be ugly, but seriously this monster is UGLY!! A friend of mine said it best when he said that the monster looks like a giant walking vagina, and that’s a pretty accurate description. The only ones who can save the world from this creature is the gung-ho obituary reporter Richard, local professor and single mom Diane, her spunky science-nerd of a son (played by a young Paul Walker, who really didn’t make a lot of good choices earlier in his career), and her crackpot father Dr. Pennyworth who plays a mean xylophone.

There’s a running gag throughout the movie: a romance develops between Richard and Diane where each time Richard removes his glasses, Diane goes into a daze and stares into Richard’s eyes, tilting her head slightly and smiling just a little. It’s silly, but it pays off later…

Cut to the last thirty minutes of the film: after the town is evacuated, Richard, Diane and her son remain to defeat the monster. All their plans fail and they find themselves locked in Diane’s attic to hide from the monster, which finds them and slowly approaches them. Then the monster notices Richard without his glasses; the monster goes into a daze, stares into Richard’s eyes, tilts its head slightly and smiles just a little. Yep, the monster just fell in love with our hero. And that, my friend, is when it becomes a Troma film. The monster carries Richard across the threshold back to his dimension. And for those looking for logic, our hero doesn’t escape its clutches because he is repeatedly fainting (pussy). Diane realizes there is only one way to save her dreamy Richard: DESTROY ALL CLOSETS!!! That’s right, an APB is sent out to destroy all closets, and that is what everyone does in an amusing montage of destruction and chaos involving wardrobes.

You’ll have to sit through it, but when you finally catch the gleam in the eye of the monster falling in love with our hero, that’s when it pays off. The icing on the cake is the ‘destroy all closets’ montage that follows. Everything up until that is just okay, nothing special. It may take a while to get there, but it’s worth it, and then it feels like a genuine Troma film. It’s a fun flick that will leave you with a shit-eating grin on your face.

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: A PG rated film with some excellent ever-so-brief nudity; how often do you see that?

The Bad: Enough with that damn song! It doesn’t work, okay?!?

The Ugly: Our hero isn’t as good looking at the movie makes him out to be.

In A Nutshell: Monsters live off of closet energy.

Useless Trivia: Though the film was released in 1987 it was actually made in 1983. It sat in the vault for 4 years until Troma picked it up and finally released. At least they get it… or whatever there is to get…

Favourite Quote(s):

• Diane: Go out and destroy every closet you can find, every closet in the world! Destroy all closets!!
• General: Frogs? What do I give a ding-dong about Frogs? For Christ's sake get back in the ballgame Pennyfinger.

Manos, The Hands of Fate

TORGO!!!

Here is the ultimate of b-movies. A film so bad even most b-movie enthusiasts can’t watch it. It is the dictionary definition of disaster. It is Manos, The Hands of Fate: a film that was created on a bet that local fertilizer salesman Hal Warren made to prove he can make a successful horror film with no budget. That was strike one. The remaining seventeen strikes come from the resulting abomination of a feature film.

We start out with an innocent family driving the countryside on a vacation. And they drive… and drive… and drive… and drive… and that’s all you see for the first five minutes, just driving shots. If this isn’t any indication of what to expect from this film then there’s no hope for you. After all that driving, they finally realize they’re lost and try to get some help from a couple of teenagers who’s sole purpose in the film is to be that couple that make out in their car in the middle of nowhere; that’s all they do. They have nothing to do with the story.

So, after some more driving they stumble across a decrepit lodge, where we are then introduced to Torgo. There’s no easy way to describe Torgo, and trying to explain his ‘foibles’ will not do him justice. You just have to see it for yourself. The family say they are lost and ask Torgo if they can stay at the house for the night. Then cut to Torgo, distraught. Then cut back to the family. Then to Torgo, distraught. Then to the family. Torgo, distraught. Family. Torgo… sweet Jesus, just say something Torgo!! You’re killing us here!!

Torgo finally agrees and the family shacks up at the house, but warns them that The Master may not be happy with them staying. Throughout the night things go from bad to worse, and the family (eventually) realize that they will need to escape before they fall under the evil spell of The Master… or his many cat fighting wives… or Torgo… or the teens making out… or maybe the filmmakers… no matter what it’s bad… painfully bad.

When things do from bad to worse, not only does it mean for the family, but for you as well. The film is on this constant downward spiral of shoddy filmmaking, piss-poor acting, and all the awkward silences in between from the get-go, and it continues to get worse up until the final ‘climactic’ moment. It actually physically hurts to sit through this film. Yes, it’s that bad! Seeing Torgo in action throughout the film is the only entertaining thing in this train wreck, but even that can be painful at times.

Just to save you time, energy and your health, here is the ending for you: Torgo stands up to The Master, complaining that he never gets the women while all The Master gets all the women. The Master resents this and orders his wives to… wiggle their fingers at him? This apparently doesn’t work, so The Master burns Torgo with his mind. It’s unclear whether Torgo died or escaped from this point, but if you are still trying to figure out what’s going on anyways, you have no life. Meanwhile, the family escapes, but somehow decides that they would be safer back at the lodge. What?!? They return to encounter The Master, who puts the family under his spell. In the final scene, we follow two girls, with more driving believe it or not, until they come across the lodge, where the father of the endangered family greets them and we see that the mother and daughter are now the property of The Master. There; now you don’t have to sit through it. Your welcome.

Do yourself a favour: don’t watch this film! It ain’t worth it. You’d have to be a hardcore b-movie fanatic to watch this film, and even then it wouldn’t be wise. If you have to choose between watching Manos: The Hands of Fate and doing something horrible to yourself like, let’s say, put your nuts in a vice or rub crazy glue in your ass crack, you may want to think twice about watching the film.

A word of advice: if you do want to watch this film, watch the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version; at least the gang at MST3K can offer some up some entertaining moments for this pile of shit. At least watching that version will be less painful… oh, it will still hurt, but not as much.

Final Mark: 1/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: As painful as this film is, Torgo is a legendary character, and upon watching this film you will know why.

The Bad: The fact that Hal Warren followed through with the bet, amongst other reasons.

The Ugly: Finding just one thing here is not easy, but after everything you sit through, and you thought it couldn’t get any worse, the out of focus shot of The Master in the final moments really hurts that much more. It just wasn’t necessary.

In A Nutshell: This film hurts from beginning to end. Watch at your own risk! You’re better off watching the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version.

Useless Trivia: ‘Manos’ is a Spanish word, and a rough translation of it is ‘hands’. Therefore, this film is technically titled Hands, The Hands of Fate… yeah…

Favourite Quote(s):

• Torgo: There is nothing to fear, madam. The Master likes you. Nothing will happen to you. He likes you.
  Margaret: Likes me? I thought you said he was dead.
  Torgo: Dead? No, madam. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always.
• Torgo: But master, you have six wives. Why can't I have one for myself?
  The Master: You are not one of us. Therefore you cannot have one of them.
• Torgo: You were his first wife, but he's grown sick of you. He doesn't want you any more; I don't even want you anymore!

Mighty Peking Man

King Kong has never look so… well, fake.

The Shaw Brothers are the team behind some of the craziest b-movies from Hong Kong. Think of them as the Roger Corman of the Pacific Rim. But in their native Hong Kong there is nothing ‘b’ about their movies; they are considered the great film studio of Hong Kong and are behind some of the greatest ‘wuxia’ films ever made. Even though their films are very much b-quality, they really are an elite studio behind some of the best films to come out of Hong Kong. And although they were primarily producing great ‘wuxia’ films, they occasionally branched out into other genre like sci-fi, horror, and even comedy.

One such film where they branched out was The Mighty Peking Man, a ‘kaiju’ exploitation flick that is basically the Shaw Brothers doing King Kong. You see, the Mighty Peking Man, which in this case probably means ‘large man in monkey suit’, is born from an earthquake, conveniently enough, and wrecks havoc in the nearby jungle village, thus becoming king of the jungle. This sequence is highlighted by the death of several villagers from a styrofoam… I mean, giant Peking Man foot. Meanwhile, back in Hong Kong, some nut job businessman decides he wants to bring this creature back to make some money, which apparently is as easy as it sounds. Here we meet our hero Johnny, who’s appropriate for the job not because he’s an experienced adventurer, but because “he just lost his girl and wants to get away”… okay…

So, off to the Indian jungle to find Mighty Peking Man, which turns out to be the most dangerous place on earth! The expedition crew faces a number of dangers on this quest, including man-eating tigers, man-eating elephants, man-eating quicksand, and man-eating cliffs. Johnny is the only one left at this point to fend for himself when he finally encounters the giant man in an ape costume… I mean, Mighty Peking Man himself. Just when it seems like it’s all over for Johnny, he suddenly rescued by the sexiest, most well-groomed jungle girl you’ll ever see. Her name is Samantha and survived a crash when she was a child and was since raised by the Peking Man to survive in the jungle… and to wear a bikini so skimpy it’s only legal in the jungle. Any other bikini like that would be falling off with each breath. But don’t get too excited here, you perverts; no boob shots, just lots of teasing.

Eventually Samantha and Johnny fall in love, complete with generic slow-motion running-in-the-jungle sequences, much to the Peking Man’s chagrin. Later, Johnny convinces Samantha to return to Hong Kong with him, who in turns gets Peking Man to follow. The businessman, who you discover is quite evil, gets wind of this and takes control of the giant ape to set up shows and make some dough. This, of course, leads to chaos. Think the old arcade game ‘Rampage’ without the giant wolf and lizard.

Between the blood made of ketchup, the near nipple slips, the Shaw Scope, boulders made of styrofoam, the unconvincing rear-screen projection shots and of course the general silliness, The Mighty Peking Man will keep you entertained. It may not be the best film to come from the Shaw Brothers, but it certainly is one of the most insane ones. The general level of insanity is always at orange, with only the level of cheesiness set higher. The jungle girl is pretty hot, and some of the scenes of carnage will make you chuckle, but the real highlight here is seeing Peking Man in action! Never have you seen a man in an ape costume… I mean, a giant ape cause so much damage with such gusto.

Sure, it’s bad (and rather weird at times), but it’s a hell of a lot of fun! It’s the good-kind-of-bad, the kind where you can enjoy by not taking seriously. You got hilarious low budget filmmaking, a giant-monkey man wreaking havoc, and a scantily clad model/jungle girl nearly losing her top. What more could you ask for from a quality b-movie?!

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: This film features a match between a tiger and a cobra. How cool of a match up is that?!?

The Bad: There’s a nipple!... no, wait… there’s a nipple!!... no…. hold on… I think I see… no… damnit!

The Ugly: This movie really could have done without the romantic-frolicking-in-the-jungle-in-slow-motion-to-bad-disco-music scene.

In A Nutshell: No elephants, cobras, or giant men in ape suits were not harmed in the making of this movie.

Useless Trivia: If it wasn’t for Quentin Tarantino, you probably wouldn’t have heard of this film. He re-released it several years ago under his short-lived Rolling Thunder Pictures label, and even got a positive review from critic Roger Ebert. Hey, even the talented and respected can appreciate a good b-movie!

Favourite Quote(s):

• Johnny: There was a girl out in the jungle as well. He obeys her. Does whatever she says. If we could locate her he would settle down immediately. You’ll have to mount a search. The only thing I know is that she is dressed entirely in animal skins. That ought to narrow it down a little.
• Expedition Team Member: All you have to do is grab the monster, then you’ll be known around the world. You’ll be a hero. Why worry Johnny? You’ll be able to get any woman you want.