The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

In a way, The Human Centipede is a cautionary tale: if you ever plan on going ass-to-mouth with your friends, don't get stuck in the middle.

The most notorious film in recent memory is, in actuality, a piece of junk. Sure, calling the film ridiculous and disgusting is like calling a spade a spade. What you may not know is that the film is so stupid, yet tries so hard to be deathly serious, you don't know whether to treat this as a horror or a comedy. It probably explains why this film has been hit with so many parodies not seen since Snakes on a Plane.

Between the annoying female leads, the retarded police officers, the sudden revelation centipede lead Katsuro has during the climax, or, lest we forget, the doctor's previous attempt at creating a centipede, the film is riddled with stupid moments that either don't make sense or are really so ridiculous you can't help but laugh. Even the mad doctor himself is so over the top you can't take him or his unexplained motivations seriously, though at least he come across effectively creepy. Maybe all that was the intention, maybe we're supposed to be laughing, but I don't buy it for a second.

And for a film that's supposed to be one of the most shocking ever made, it could have been a lot more shocking and could have benefited from a little more substance to the story. Instead, The Human Centipede is dull and uninspired, on top of being stupid, offering nothing to the genre or to its own legacy. In fact, the only legacy this film will leave is one similar to 2 Girls, 1 Cup; it's a real gag if you can sit through the entire thing. If you do, maybe you get a prize; just pray it's not the Home Edition...

Final Mark: 1.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: If anything, the director is a pretty competent filmmaker and actually made a decent looking film... undeserved, mind you.
The Bad: Really? Dogs?
The Ugly: There's gonna be another one with twelve individuals... yeesh.
Food of Choice: Chocolate Turds
Drink of Choice: A Piece of Ass
Useless Trivia: The film boasts itself as being 100% medically accurate, thanks to research conducted with a doctor who provided details on how it can be done. In other news, this is someone's freakin' doctor!
Favourite Quote: Dr.Heiter - I hate human beings!

Howard The Duck

Oh, George Lucas, what were you thinking?

Somebody somewhere thought it would be a great idea to write a comic book about a superhero duck. That was the first mistake. Then, someone thought it would be wicked cool to turn that comic into a movie. Strike two. Finally, someone somehow managed to get George Lucas and his effects company ILM involved, and somehow managed to raise $37 million (!!!) to produce said film. Sweet merciful crap!

Howard The Duck was a disaster just waiting to happen. How is it that some films never get made, while this film gets a summer release to compete with the summer blockbusters? And how is it that a film like Howard The Duck gets a $37 million budget while other films are lucky to get a million? For whatever reason, someone thought Howard The Duck was a good idea. This probably explains why the studio head at the time quit after the film was released. Hell, George Lucas thought it was a good idea! In the film, our hero Howard T. Duck (is his middle name really ‘The’ or is it something like ‘Travis’?) is accidentally zapped from his world into our world due to a failed laser experiment (because lasers were cool in the ‘80’s, if you remember). Before he can return to his home world he has to stop an evil alien overlord from destroying Earth. Armed with a sarcastic sense of humor and some mad ‘quack-fu’ skills, Howard steps up to save the day, and save his new human girlfriend Beverly, an aspiring rock star who’s into bestiality. Throw in Tim Robbins as comic relief and some surprisingly bad special effects, and you can see where the film goes from there.

Yet, as bad as the film is, it’s not without its charm. Howard The Duck was intended to be this big blockbuster action film, and was even released in the summer to compete with those blockbusters. Its charm comes from the fact that everyone thought they were actually making a genuinely good, exciting film. Even though the film is chock full of wisecracks and an obscene amount of ‘duck’ puns, much of the film actually takes itself seriously… way too seriously, which is funny because even the comic book it was based on never took itself seriously. This is one of those rare cases where the filmmakers actually thought they were making a good film that people will like. One problem: IT’S A DUCK! Count how many times you say that when you watch the film. I guarantee you’ll be saying it at least five times in one scene alone, where you watch Beverly gets in bed with Howard.

If only someone pointed out to the filmmakers that a Howard The Duck movie is a really bad idea from the start. But they didn’t, and now we are left with a craptacular gem of a blockbuster that rightfully bombed when released. George Lucas can remove his name and disown the film as much as he wants; he and the rest of the cast and crew still have to live with this truly baffling film. Howard The Duck is a rather enthusiastic attempt to make a good action film, and you gotta admire the filmmakers for at least trying. But it wasn’t meant to be; it’s pretty darn bad, even falling short of the ‘so bad it’s good’ status. Instead, it remains ‘slightly painful’.

But who knows; maybe someday Lucas will suck it up and revisit the film, turn it into a special edition or something like that. Hey, anything is possible!

Final Mark: 2/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Lea Thompson manages to keep a straight face and remain hot all throughout this movie… even when she… gets it… on… with a… duck… oh, Lea…

The Bad: Hey, I like a good ‘duck’ pun as much as the next guy, but this movie is overkill! Talk about flogging a dead duck… damnit!

The Ugly: Did I just see duck boobs?!?

In A Nutshell: George Lucas and ducks do not mix.

Useless Trivia: George Lucas spent $2 million alone on the duck costume, and there were about 6 different actors in the suit. Somehow, Lucas recovered.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Dr. Jenning: In the lab that night, we saw a single feather fall. We weren't aware that the rest of you, Howard, had landed in that alley just two miles away. Any questions?
  Howard T. Duck: Yeah. Where are my pants?
• Phil: (talking like a duck)
  Howard T. Duck: Undoubtedly one of Earth’s greatest minds here.