Gymkata

Fusion can be a funny thing sometimes. You’re taking a big risk when you’re combining two things that don’t normally go together, but the results, whether bad or good, are often entertaining. It can result in something brilliant (Shaun of the Dead), exhilarating (Metalcore) or compelling (Joaquín Torres-García), but can also be hilariously bad (Limp Bizkit). And then you get fusion that just doesn’t work. For example, strawberries and Dijon mustard, or microwave ovens and cats, or even karate with gymnastics…

This is Gymkata, a very cheesy cult action flick that features the strangest fusion this side of the planet, and it’s better described by the film’s tagline: the skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate! Whoever thought of bringing these two together deserves a roundhouse kick to the face. It’s basically a gay version of karate! What can you do when you are a master of Gymkata? Well, you can kick, and backflip, and… handstands… and somersaults… and… well, pretty much everything else you’d expect from a gymnastics athlete with karate skills. In other words, you can fight like a girl.

As the story goes, the United States find a perfect spot to set up the ‘Star Wars’ defense system (go Reagan!). But instead of sending in their military, they send in a guy. But not just any guy, they send in Olympic gymnastics champion Jonathan Cabot, played by real-life gymnastics champion Kurt Thomas. Here’s the thing: Cabot doesn’t know any martial arts, only gymnastics. But that’s okay, because the government agent hiring Cabot only needs two months and a couple of assistants to teach him karate. Nevermind the fact that this guy thought hiring an Olympian with a mullet for a covert operation was a clever idea; apparently two months is all you need to train someone into becoming your country’s deadliest weapon.

There’s a funny sequence after the training where Cabot meets with the government agent and is shown some Bond-like weapons that can come in handy on his mission. What makes this scene funny is that we never get to see these weapons again! Maybe Cabot realized he doesn’t need any weapons, now that he knows GYMKATA!!!... Sorry…

Cabot finally finds his way to the tiny country of Parmistan (yes, you read that right, and no, it doesn’t exist), where he has to compete in ‘The Game’: think “The Most Dangerous Game’ with more ninjas and less tension. If he wins the game, the US will have permission to set up ‘Star Wars’ in their little country. Diplomatic negotiations never looked so easy. This is especially tough for Cabot whose father dies playing the same game. And not only does he have to survive ‘The Game’, which apparently no one has ever won, he has to survive the wraith of Zamir, the general of Parmistan who cheats at ‘The Game’ and wishes to take control of the country to satisfy his own need for power. But with the Princess of Parmistan as his love interest and the US government backing his actions, nothing should stop Cabot!... not even the village of the Crazies!!

Which brings us to the strangest sequence in the film. During ‘The Game’ contestants have to travel through the village of the Crazies, where sunlight seems to disappear upon entering. The town is full of truly weird characters going after our hero, including a two-faced man, cackling old ladies, and a priest with no underwear (you’ll know what I mean when you see it). Cabot is chased by the crazies all over town and is cornered in back alleyway. But he’ll be okay. Why? Because there’s a freakin’ pommel horse right in the middle of the alleyway!!! It’s a Gymkata master’s dream come true! Unbelievable! He goes to town on the crazies and before you know it he gets away.

Cut to the second strange part of this sequence: as our hero runs from the crazies he is cornered in another alleyway and all seems hopeless (probably because there’s no parallel bars or something he can use) until he is saved by one of Zamir’s ninja henchmen. Back to that in a moment: this is a one minute sequence stretched out to about five minutes thanks to the director’s choice of shooting it in super-slow motion. Why he does this is beyond me; it’s completely unnecessary and really painful to sit through. Back to the ninja that saved Cabot: he’s revealed to be his father! What?? Even though he clearly died at the beginning of the film, he suddenly turns up alive and giving our hero more reason to win! It caps off sequence that incredibly nonsensical and mind numbing. It is truly the highlight of this amazingly asinine film.

In reviewing this film I feel obliged to include a pun about athletic judging. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do that here, but I will say this: Gymkata does not get high marks in either concept or execution. The 80’s was a decade full of bad movies and this is no exception. But it’s dumb enough to be worth watching. It has developed a cult following since its release and rightfully so. It may be dumb, but it’s dumb fun! A word of advice though: don’t start asking gyms about taking Gymkata classes, you’ll probably get beaten up with a real martial art.

Final Mark: 2/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The Village of the Crazies sequence is the standout sequence of the film that is so ridiculous it really is the best part of the film.

The Bad: Combining gymnastics with karate is not as exciting as you’d expect.

The Ugly: Why is that guy not wearing any pants?

In A Nutshell: Iraq would be a different place now if they instead sent in a Gymkata master like Cabot to set things right.

Useless Trivia: Apparently this film is, or at least was, banned in Finland of all places. Something tells me it was for some pointless reason, but it’s fun to imagine why it was banned… after watching Gymkata, you probably won’t blame them.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Jonathan: Why don’t we send in the troops?
  Payley: Direct military action is out of style.
• Eastern Trainer: There are many sounds around us, each is slightly different. So small as to go un-noticed by the person who is unaware. Do not hear the wood split. Hear the only sound of axe, cutting air. Read the air itself. It has much say to you.
• The Kahn: YAKMALLAH!