Whoever came up with the idea of making a fourth killer tomato film is an idiot.
You know, it’s one thing to build on a franchise; it’s another thing to milk it for all its worth, then continue to milk it dry. That’s what creator and franchise director John De Bello did by directing this fourth of three films. Granted, this was supposed to be the third film of the trilogy and would have been an acceptable conclusion. However this film was held back in favour of a different sub-par franchise entry, Killer Tomatoes Strike Back. That, along with an animated series, a videogame and a series of comic books proved to be complete killer fruit overexposure. So when this film finally came along, the interest in killer tomatoes was gone. It’s sad.
But even if there were some interest remaining for killer tomato films, this entry into the franchise would have likely destroyed it. It’s a rather piss poor entry in to the series. The film does not have one redeeming quality. Killer Tomatoes Eat France! is a very unfunny film, period. De Bello was leading everything up to this film, hinting at it in previous entries, and probably should have been the swan song. But it’s far from it. Some laughs are recycled from the previous incarnations; some of the other laughs are just bad. It even has an opportunity to make fun of the French at every turn; it does, but very poorly. And there are these mutant tomatoes that come out of nowhere to help reign terror across France, and guess what: they suck! It’s more than just bad. It’s sad.
And that’s unfortunate because it has such promise and hype built up from the previous films. Furthermore it has the same director and writers, returning cast members John Astin and Steve Lundquist, a hot blonde, and even FT making a comeback. It’s a recipe for success! Instead, Astin is dull, Lundquist is terribly unfunny, FT is now irritating rather than cute, the blonde is blonde, and the crew ended up making an annoying children’s flick. Plus they add Skippy from Family Ties in the lead that deserves a serious ass kicking for even showing up here. I don’t understand how the creators can take all the right elements and do all the wrong things. It’s sad.
I would give the film an ‘A’ for effort, but I don’t really think they were trying. Their final entry into this franchise is a disappointing unfunny dud. They took a joke straight out of a b-movie, ran with it an nearly killed it with the first film, revitalized it with the second film, and by this film… well, they already killed the joke by this point, they had no hope in hell to bring it back. The least they could have done was gone out on a high note, but no! If the franchise was truly dead by this point, Killer Tomatoes Eat France! was the cement poured on top of the coffin before it is ultimately buried. And it had so much promise too… It’s really sad.
Final Mark: 2/5
EXTRA CRAP
The Good: At least John ‘Prof. Gangreen’ Astin is here to bring back any dignity lost from the franchise.
The Bad: Such a beautiful woman for the female lead… such a waste…
The Ugly: I want to punch Skippy in the throat!
In A Nutshell: The fourth and final entry in the Killer Tomatoes saga is not funny at all, and may have killed any remaining interest the franchise.
Useless Trivia: This was supposed to be the third and final entry in the series, but instead they made Killer Tomatoes Strike Back! as a third entry to obtain funding for this film. This clearly backfired by using all their good jokes in the third entry.
Favourite Quote(s):
14 July, 2008
Killer Tomaotes Eat France!
13 July, 2008
Return of the Killer Tomatoes
Whoever thought making a sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was a genius!
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes may have set the bar higher in the land of b-movies, but its sequel Return of the Killer Tomatoes is the masterpiece that one-ups it. Return is a hilarious, incredible b-movie that does everything right; it’s off-beat enough to be a b-movie, yet smart enough to fit within the mainstream. I know what you’re thinking: a b-movie should not be mainstream. Trust me, it is not mainstream, it only fits into the mainstream; it is still very much a b-movie. But it is a soft b-movie, one that anyone who has never experienced a b-movie would be wise to start with. Call this an introduction to b-movies. It does the genre justice. It is the film that introduced me to b-movies as a child, and afterwards all I wanted was more.
But beyond that it is just a great movie. The comedy is timed perfectly, the acting is great, the female lead is super crazy hot, and it is even a step up from the first film in production values and special effects. Even the story is clever: after tomatoes have been banned (which results in some interesting pizza recipes at the local pizza shop), Prof. Gangreen illegally ships tomatoes in and performs experiments on them, transforming them into a super-race of tomatoes disguised as humans, just so he can take over the world. How does he do it? He dips the tomatoes in toxic waste, places them in a chamber, and plays a tune on the radio; a different tune creates a different human, whether it is a soldier, or a celebrity look-a-like, or a total babe.
But one escapes; Tara, an incredibly sexy tomato-human, along with her adorable furry tomato friend FT, and falls in love with Chad, who along with his friend (George Clooney in an early role) and his heroic uncle from the first film, are trying to bring Prof. Gangreen to justice before his tomatoes rule the world. Just when they get closer their goal, the film runs out of money and they resort to a ridiculous amount of product placement to keep it going. I love it when a film breaks the fourth wall; not all films are successful when they do it but this one does it well.
I ‘d like to take a moment now to discuss the two characters that make this film: First is Prof. Gangreen’s trusty sidekick, nephew and aspiring TV news reporter Igor. Played hilariously by Steve Lundquist, he makes for a very charming villain and has some of the best lines and moments in the movie. Then there’s Tara, played by Karen Mistal (why doesn’t she have a career?). Now this is one sexy vegetable… or fruit… Jaw-dropingly sexy! But that’s not all: She can cook 850 international dishes, perform 637 sexual acts, and use all the popular home appliances. She also has an obsession with toast and turns into a tomato when Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony is played. And did I mention that she’s hot? Really hot! I know she’s a tomato, but I’d still tap that!
Return of the Killer Tomatoes is not your average b-movie, but is much more than your typical silly comedy. It’s funny enough to appeal to the mainstream, yet weird enough to fit into the world of ‘b’. And that’s why the film works so well! It’s a silly, funny b-movie that anyone can watch without hurting their head. Anyone who hasn’t seen a b-movie before and have no idea what to expect may find themselves overwhelmed with some of the titles out there; this one will soften the blow, as it works as a decent introduction to b-movies. But beyond that it’s just a great film with some great moments. Better than the first, it’s a classic by anyone’s standards.
Final Mark: 4/5
EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The movie-within-the-movie “Big Breasted Girls Go To The Beach and Take Their Top Off”. Need I say more?
The Bad: It’s never good when a production runs out of money… at least they picked themselves up.
The Ugly: Is it wrong to have a hard-on for a tomato? I mean, look at her, she’s hot!...
In A Nutshell: A hilarious sequel that stands above its predecessor.
Useless Trivia: Congressman Gary Condit, most known as a suspect in the Chandra Levy homicide, can be seen as a patron in the pizza parlour during a brawl. No word as to whether he tried to ban tomatoes while in office.
Favourite Quote(s):
12 July, 2008
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
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Whoever came up with the idea of tomatoes killing humans is a genius!
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is everything you ever expect in a b-movie. It is the dictionary definition if you will. What more can you ask for? It has ridiculous monsters, amateur acting, musical interludes, no-budget set pieces, bad jokes… it’s almost perfect. But it has one problem that I discovered in re-watching the film after a while: it doesn’t have lasting appeal. It’s not a film you can watch over and over again. It’s a b-movie that doesn’t stand the test of time. That is what makes a b-movie great, and this film is missing it. I can’t pinpoint why; maybe it is the jokes, maybe the lack of plot, maybe the film quality… regardless, the film is missing a lasting appeal b-movies need to survive.
But that doesn’t mean it is without any classic moments. There’s the giant paper mache tomato on wheels chasing its victims, and the swimming tomatoes attacking a group of people at a swimming pool, and the kamikaze attack on a couple of people in their car. That’s what is a little weird about this film; it’s not very good as a standalone film, but it has certain moments that are great. They’re just too few and far between. You’ll be more entertained watching those great moments individually than watching the film as a whole. It’s surprising too because it has such a great title that really builds up expectation, only to break it down by the end. It becomes one of those films that’s basically a joke stretched far too long, like a Saturday Night Live skit turned into a movie.
With the tomatoes on the attack and the CIA’s special ops team hired to resolve the issue, it all builds up to the climax where the tomatoes are cornered in a stadium and the song Puberty Love is played over the loudspeakers. You see, the mad scientist behind the tomato uprising used music to create his monsters… a motif that strangely re-emerges again in the franchise. Puberty Love is a horrible song… HORRIBLE! They mention it throughout the movie and always say how bad it is, but they weren’t kidding! This song is painful to listen to, so much so that it makes you want to turn off the movie to avoid listening to anymore. They weren’t kidding when they were saying how bad it is. But happens to be the song that reverts the tomatoes back to their original state, and ultimately defeat them. But there is one tomato clever enough to protect itself from the song, which leads into the funniest sequence in the film.
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a genuine b-movie. It may not be perfect, but it is great! And yes, I am aware that it is a spoof of the genre and that is supposed to be more comedy than ‘b’. Let’s not kid ourselves here; it’s bad, it’s fun, it’s a b-movie, even though it’s a spoof. But it’s a different kind of bad too. It’s not terribly funny and has too few memorable moments. It’s a funny idea that gets stretched thin, a joke that gets told too many times. And it doesn’t have lasting appeal, despite its ridiculous title. I think the title is more enjoyable than the film itself.
Maybe I’m just too hard on the film. It is after all just a b-movie, right?
Final Mark: 3/5
EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The various ways the tomatoes attack the humans are priceless.
The Bad: Puberty Love, the song that eventually destroys the tomatoes is really painful, enough to drive anyone nuts.
The Ugly: Don’t ever ask a tomato to pass the ketchup when a tomato is around.
In A Nutshell: A cult film that will always retain its cult status, but not as great as one would hope.
Useless Trivia: The drummer for Pearl Jam is the performer of Puberty Love. Eddie Vedder is a douche.
Favourite Quote(s):
Dr. Morrison: He means fruits.