The Star Wars Holiday Special

It's the mother of all bad Christmas features, and this would not be a b-movie blog if it wasn't discussed.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is a disaster of craptacular proportions! It's like getting a lump of coal in your stocking, a package of socks and underwear from Santa, or the first time you tried your aunt's strata. Premiering once and only once as a television special, this was an epic failure that probably should have killed the franchise. A feeble attempt to capitalize on the popularity of first film, the saga continues as Luke, Han and Leia help their fuzzy friend Chewbacca make it home in time for Life Day... with Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman and Jefferson Starship!

Words cannot describe what goes on in this special; Leia singing off-key, wookies talking to each other without any translation, unfunny comedic skits, and I'm pretty sure one wookie polishes one off. It's everything you've ever wanted in a Christmas special! So wonderfully tragic and mind-boggling, The Star Wars Holiday Special will bring tears to your eyes. It is not to be missed.

Final Mark: 5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The animated sequence is actually pretty cool.
The Bad: Princess Leia singing the holiday special theme song.
The Ugly: Chewbacca's dad shoots first.
Food of Choice: Ham and Broccoli Strata
Drink of Choice: Glogg
Useless Trivia: If George Lucas had his way, every copy of this special in existence would be destroyed. If we had our way, George Lucas would stop making movies.
Favourite Quote: Darth Vader - I want the rebels located and identified if it means searching every household in the system.

B.O.B. XMAS BUYER'S GUIDE 2009

Another year, another lovely mucky Christmas; time for another stupid buyer's guide! Here's a quick list for 2009:


Night of the Creeps have finally made their way to DVD. Many fans have been clamoring for this title for a long time now, so this should be on the top of your list.


Also finally making its way to DVD is Howard the Duck. For some reason, George Lucas decided not to revisit this film with some additional scenes and new special effects.


Less of a b-movie and more of a cool little flick, Hardware is another long sought out title that finally made its way to DVD. This hidden gem will leave you pleasantly surprised.


Finally, the coolest thing to get this year is Portable Grindhouse, a book about some of the greatest VHS art in history. Any b-movie lover knows that box art is how these films get discovered, so this should be high atop your list of purchases for 2009!

Have a mucky Christmas and bring on the new year!

Santa's Slay

It always surprises me when a film with so much promise, and even a great start, ends up failing so miserably. Santa's Slay is no exception.

How's this for a premise: Santa Claus is really the son of Satan and is a truly evil bastard. But he lost a bet through a game of curling and had to be nice for a thousand years. Well now the thousand years are up and Santa is ready to go on a killing spree! now tell me that is not a great idea!! How do you make it better? You add a Jewish pro wrestler as Santa, a ridiculous cast of cameos (James Caan, Fran Drescher, Dave Thomas, Rebecca Gayheart, Robert Culp, and many more), everyone's favourite Hollywood hack Brett Ratner as producer, an animated sequence reminiscent of some classic holiday specials, and you've got yourself a winner! Right?...

Unfortunately the film falls short of greatness. What makes this more disappointing is that it started out pretty good with some decent kills, a bit of unnecessary nudity, and enough bad puns to make you vomit egg nog. But at the halfway point it just drops like a roasted chestnut and basically becomes a pile of steaming Christmas shit with an ending that really lets you down. Without giving too much away, they basically built up the story to a climax that never happened. The ending was actually quite anti-climactic, which leaves you disappointed. Yet that's not even the worst the thing about this film.

Their biggest mistake?: at one point the producer or director or one of the other hacks who worked on this thought "hey, let's set this up for a sequel so we can have this guy come back as Santa and kick some more ass, because he's totally gonna be a star in two years!" Bad idea. You see, they broke an unwritten rule of b-moviemaking: don't plan for a sequel. Your film is a b-movie!! You only have one shot to get this right, and chances are you won't be able to make another. Even if they did get to make another, after the way they ended this one I'm definitely not interested to see more.

It is really unfortunate that this film ended the way it did. I really wanted to like it; it had so much potential to become an instant b-movie classic and anti-Christmas must see! But it failed at accomplishing this status, and failed miserably. A good start that goes downhill quickly, Santa's Slay is more like a lump of coal in your stocking. 'Tis the season for great bad Christmas movies. Too bad this isn't one of them.

Final Mark: 2.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Yule (ha!) love the Rankin/Bass-like animated sequence.

The Bad: Why did this not discredit Brett Ratner career?

The Ugly: Chris Kattan needed a better death.

In A Nutshell: So much promise... so much disappointment...

Useless Trivia: Santa is played by Jewish pro-wresting star Bill Goldberg, and even performs some of his trademark wresting moves in this flick. Someone thought it was wise to give him a second chance at an acting career after his role in the Universal Solider sequel.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Santa Claus: Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.
• Santa Claus (while reading a copy of A Christmas Carol): Boy, Christmas can sure scare the Dickens out of people.
• Mary: You hit like a girl.
  Nick: You kiss like a guy.

B.O.B. XMAS BUYER'S GUIDE 2008

Christmas is coming fast, and I bet you haven't found a gift for that special someone yet. Don't fret, because Bottom of the Barrel is here to help. And we're gonna make it easy for you this year, for there is only one thing you should be getting this year:


The new 20th Anniversary DVD set of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was released only a couple of months ago, and is really the only set that should be on your radar this year. It comes with with the four most requested episodes, an oral history of MST3K, a comic-con reunion, lobby cards, and best of all a Crow T. Robot figurine! This is a limited edition set that may sell out soon so get it while you can.


Looking for something else? Here's your stocking stuffer: the Horrified B-Movie Victims action figurine set. A set of minature figures of people running for their dear lives, you provide whatever horror it is they are running from: Godzilla, a teddy bear, a Transformer, a picture of your mother, whatever your sick heart desires. It's a fun, useless gift idea for the b-movie lover in your family.

Enjoy your nog!

Santa Claus

Every few years a film comes along that features a match-up worth showing on pay-per-view. Here we have a film that features a fight for the ages: Santa Claus vs. The Devil! What better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus two storybook icons duke it out? It just screams happy holidays!

Okay, maybe I’m hyping this film up more than I should be, but you gotta like the idea. We first meet Santa at his toyshop (which for the record is not really at the North Pole but actually in a castle on a cloud in heaven… who knew?) preparing for the big day with his many workers. You see, Santa actually doesn’t use elves; he uses children from around the world. That’s right: he kidnapped a bunch of children and put them to work, ignoring any child labour laws in the process. Isn’t this the Santa Claus you’ve always known and loved? We meet these workers during a segregated geography lesson where Santa playfully takes us through each country where he kidnapped them. Did you know that African children wear loincloths and bones in their hair, and the kids from Japan look exactly the same as the kids from China and the Orient? Neither did I, but we’re all going to hell now with that knowledge.

Speaking of hell, we then meet Pitch, a minion of Satan (all hail). Satan is pissed off. Why you ask? Because kids all around the world are happy that someone like Santa brings them presents every year… which probably explains the desire to work for him at such a young age. Children are happy, and that doesn’t sit well with Satan. So he calls on Pitch, a devil with dastardly plans and even dastardlier dance movies, to have all children turn their back on Santa.

Pitch then turns his focus to a cute little girl who only wants a doll for Christmas, the son of wealthy negligent parents, and a gang of rude little boys who actually want to kidnap and enslave Santa. How’s that for Christmas cheer, eh? One problem with this plan: Pitch is not very good at causing mischief. His antics are more annoying than they are distressing. Not to mention that Santa, aware that he would have to deal with Pitch, was prepared for his antics with some handy tools courtesy of Merlin the Magician. Lancelot had no use for him anymore, but luckily Santa was around to give him work. Hey, if Santa will allow children to work at his base of operations surely he’ll let seniors work there too. Anyway to save a buck…

For the most part this film is incoherent, with some awkward editing, piss-poor dubbing and scenes that don’t make any sense whatsoever. But the film is also quite weird at times. For example, Santa is not exactly a gentle spirit here. At times you see him leering at children a little too much, he’s extra enthusiastic when he wants to use his high tech equipment to look into their dreams, and he promises to get back at any children who knock him. It’s Santa with a mean streak! If I knew Santa was like this I probably would have been good more often. Even his jolly old laugh sounds a bit maniacal. And there are some weird moments throughout including a surreal dream sequence involving the cute little girl where she speaks to a giant version of the doll she wants, who tells her to steal the doll otherwise she’ll never have one (this is crafty work of Pitch, by the way).

And considering this film is basically known as Santa Claus vs. The Devil, it doesn’t quite live up to that promise. But they do have a few Looney Tunes-inspired encounters including one golden moment where Santa sneaks up behind Pitch with a miniature cannon and shoots a rocket in his ass! Like I said: he has a mean streak! It kinda makes you wonder what kid was gonna end with that gift. In the end there is a lesson learned about being good and bad or something like that, but you won’t know it because you won’t even know half the time what the hell is going on in this film. That being said, it’s still fairly enjoyable and would be a good flick to watch each year alone with a glass of nog and a Toblerone. Then again, Santa may be offended by his portrayal in this film, than I’d say skip it to avoid any missiles up the ass from jolly old Saint Nick.

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: If you ask nicely, Santa will bring you a machine gun… for real!

The Bad: For a source of all evil, the devil is not very clever when it comes to dastardly schemes.

The Ugly: Santa is apparently immune from all child-labour laws.

In A Nutshell: Water and chocolate ice cream are your keys to defeating the devil.

Useless Trivia: Before this film was released outside of Mexico, it was screened annually around Christmas at local theatres, becoming a popular seasonal event. These screenings also brought on the popularity of Santa Claus previously unknown in the country. Is it the child labour, the James Bond-like gadgets, or his actually vengeful nature that makes him popular?

Favourite Quote(s):

• Narrator: This is Santa's Magic Observatory. What wonderful instruments! The Ear Scope! The Teletalker, that knows everything! The Cosmic Telescope! The Master Eye! Nothing that happens on Earth is unknown to Santa Claus!
• Lucifer: This time you must not fail! This time you must not be defeated by that bearded old goat Santa Claus! If you fail you shall be punished, and instead of red-hot coals, you will eat chocolate ice cream.
  Pitch: No! No, Lucifer, King of all Evil Spirits! Not that! By the horns of everything satanic, I beg you! To live I must have heat. Frozen meals are bad for me, especially chocolate! It's very bad for my digestion, which is so delicate.
• Santa Claus: Oh! Darn that Devil Pitch! Why, if I were on Earth right now, I'd put him in his place! But even he knows I can only return to Earth one night a year.

B.O.B. XMAS BUYER’S GUIDE 2007

‘Tis the season to be wicked. Contrary to some beliefs, Christmas is not just about family and caroling and turkey dinners and all that crap; It’s about presents! This is the season where you need to stand up and tell everyone what it is you want for Christmas, and it you’re smart your list will comprise of things you are too cheap to pay for. That’s right, Christmas is a time where you exploit the ones you love into buying you something you want.

This is also the time to expand you b-movie collection, and I’m here to help. With Christmas only a few weeks away, you’re probably thinking about what b-movies to add to your wish list. Or maybe you’re trying to find the perfect gift for the b-movie lover in your family. With so many to choose from it’s not easy to narrow it down, but for this year I have some picks that should make it easier, and it even comes as a theme: the box set. There are a lot of kick-ass b-movie box sets that have been released over the past year that would make excellent gifts. The best thing about most of these sets, and about most b-movie box sets in general, is that they are rather inexpensive, and you get a ton of titles in one set. Sure, the quality may be a little low, but if you’re expecting quality in any of these titles then you’re an idiot.

Take my advice for this year: the box set is the way to go this y if you are a b-movie enthusiast. Here are my picks for the best b-movie box sets to buy this Christmas:
















The Grindhouse Experience: Vol. 1 & Vol. 2
Two volumes for far have been released, with 20 titles in each set. They may not necessarily be genuine grindhouse flicks, but there are quite a few gems in these sets, including Tortured Angels, Return of the Tiger, Go Kill and Come Back, Demon Witch Child, Renegade, Mr. Deathman, Phenomenal, Carthage in Flames, and many more exploitation titles.

Starlite Drive-In Collection
Eight classic drive-in flicks in one set, some of the wackiest titles you’ll ever come across, including The Pom Pom Girls, The Devil’s Hand, and Madmen of Mandoras, which features it’s alternate cut, a Bottom of the Barrel favourite, called They Saved Hitler’s Brain.








The Godzilla Collection
Our favourite giant pissed-off lizard is back in an all new set featuring it’s best films; Godzilla: King of the Monsters, Godzilla Raids Again, Mothra vs. Godzilla, Ghidorah: The Three-Headed Monster, Invasion of Astro Monster, Terror of Mechagodzilla, and All Monsters Attack, plus a whole heap of special features.








The Roger Corman Collection
This man deserves to be a subject in a film course. The legendary b-movie producer/director is getting the treatment he so badly deserves with the release of this set, which includes A Bucket of Blood, X: The Man With X-Ray Eyes, Premature Buriail, Bloody Mama, and The Wild Angels. A must have for any b-movie enthusiast!




Weird Cinema: 15 Freaky Flicks
A collection of truly bizarre films in an affordable set. Titles included are more familiar flicks like Glen or Glenda, Terror of Tiny Town and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, as well as lesser known flicks like Wild Guitar, Night Tide, Bill & Coo, Hitler: Dead or Alive, and Child Bride.

All of these sets are perfect additions to any b-movie collection and will all be available just in time for Christmas. You can buy all of these sets at our Video Rack here or by clicking the cover art above. Happy shopping!