Santa Claus

Every few years a film comes along that features a match-up worth showing on pay-per-view. Here we have a film that features a fight for the ages: Santa Claus vs. The Devil! What better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus two storybook icons duke it out? It just screams happy holidays!

Okay, maybe I’m hyping this film up more than I should be, but you gotta like the idea. We first meet Santa at his toyshop (which for the record is not really at the North Pole but actually in a castle on a cloud in heaven… who knew?) preparing for the big day with his many workers. You see, Santa actually doesn’t use elves; he uses children from around the world. That’s right: he kidnapped a bunch of children and put them to work, ignoring any child labour laws in the process. Isn’t this the Santa Claus you’ve always known and loved? We meet these workers during a segregated geography lesson where Santa playfully takes us through each country where he kidnapped them. Did you know that African children wear loincloths and bones in their hair, and the kids from Japan look exactly the same as the kids from China and the Orient? Neither did I, but we’re all going to hell now with that knowledge.

Speaking of hell, we then meet Pitch, a minion of Satan (all hail). Satan is pissed off. Why you ask? Because kids all around the world are happy that someone like Santa brings them presents every year… which probably explains the desire to work for him at such a young age. Children are happy, and that doesn’t sit well with Satan. So he calls on Pitch, a devil with dastardly plans and even dastardlier dance movies, to have all children turn their back on Santa.

Pitch then turns his focus to a cute little girl who only wants a doll for Christmas, the son of wealthy negligent parents, and a gang of rude little boys who actually want to kidnap and enslave Santa. How’s that for Christmas cheer, eh? One problem with this plan: Pitch is not very good at causing mischief. His antics are more annoying than they are distressing. Not to mention that Santa, aware that he would have to deal with Pitch, was prepared for his antics with some handy tools courtesy of Merlin the Magician. Lancelot had no use for him anymore, but luckily Santa was around to give him work. Hey, if Santa will allow children to work at his base of operations surely he’ll let seniors work there too. Anyway to save a buck…

For the most part this film is incoherent, with some awkward editing, piss-poor dubbing and scenes that don’t make any sense whatsoever. But the film is also quite weird at times. For example, Santa is not exactly a gentle spirit here. At times you see him leering at children a little too much, he’s extra enthusiastic when he wants to use his high tech equipment to look into their dreams, and he promises to get back at any children who knock him. It’s Santa with a mean streak! If I knew Santa was like this I probably would have been good more often. Even his jolly old laugh sounds a bit maniacal. And there are some weird moments throughout including a surreal dream sequence involving the cute little girl where she speaks to a giant version of the doll she wants, who tells her to steal the doll otherwise she’ll never have one (this is crafty work of Pitch, by the way).

And considering this film is basically known as Santa Claus vs. The Devil, it doesn’t quite live up to that promise. But they do have a few Looney Tunes-inspired encounters including one golden moment where Santa sneaks up behind Pitch with a miniature cannon and shoots a rocket in his ass! Like I said: he has a mean streak! It kinda makes you wonder what kid was gonna end with that gift. In the end there is a lesson learned about being good and bad or something like that, but you won’t know it because you won’t even know half the time what the hell is going on in this film. That being said, it’s still fairly enjoyable and would be a good flick to watch each year alone with a glass of nog and a Toblerone. Then again, Santa may be offended by his portrayal in this film, than I’d say skip it to avoid any missiles up the ass from jolly old Saint Nick.

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: If you ask nicely, Santa will bring you a machine gun… for real!

The Bad: For a source of all evil, the devil is not very clever when it comes to dastardly schemes.

The Ugly: Santa is apparently immune from all child-labour laws.

In A Nutshell: Water and chocolate ice cream are your keys to defeating the devil.

Useless Trivia: Before this film was released outside of Mexico, it was screened annually around Christmas at local theatres, becoming a popular seasonal event. These screenings also brought on the popularity of Santa Claus previously unknown in the country. Is it the child labour, the James Bond-like gadgets, or his actually vengeful nature that makes him popular?

Favourite Quote(s):

• Narrator: This is Santa's Magic Observatory. What wonderful instruments! The Ear Scope! The Teletalker, that knows everything! The Cosmic Telescope! The Master Eye! Nothing that happens on Earth is unknown to Santa Claus!
• Lucifer: This time you must not fail! This time you must not be defeated by that bearded old goat Santa Claus! If you fail you shall be punished, and instead of red-hot coals, you will eat chocolate ice cream.
  Pitch: No! No, Lucifer, King of all Evil Spirits! Not that! By the horns of everything satanic, I beg you! To live I must have heat. Frozen meals are bad for me, especially chocolate! It's very bad for my digestion, which is so delicate.
• Santa Claus: Oh! Darn that Devil Pitch! Why, if I were on Earth right now, I'd put him in his place! But even he knows I can only return to Earth one night a year.