Whoever thought making a sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was a genius!
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes may have set the bar higher in the land of b-movies, but its sequel Return of the Killer Tomatoes is the masterpiece that one-ups it. Return is a hilarious, incredible b-movie that does everything right; it’s off-beat enough to be a b-movie, yet smart enough to fit within the mainstream. I know what you’re thinking: a b-movie should not be mainstream. Trust me, it is not mainstream, it only fits into the mainstream; it is still very much a b-movie. But it is a soft b-movie, one that anyone who has never experienced a b-movie would be wise to start with. Call this an introduction to b-movies. It does the genre justice. It is the film that introduced me to b-movies as a child, and afterwards all I wanted was more.
But beyond that it is just a great movie. The comedy is timed perfectly, the acting is great, the female lead is super crazy hot, and it is even a step up from the first film in production values and special effects. Even the story is clever: after tomatoes have been banned (which results in some interesting pizza recipes at the local pizza shop), Prof. Gangreen illegally ships tomatoes in and performs experiments on them, transforming them into a super-race of tomatoes disguised as humans, just so he can take over the world. How does he do it? He dips the tomatoes in toxic waste, places them in a chamber, and plays a tune on the radio; a different tune creates a different human, whether it is a soldier, or a celebrity look-a-like, or a total babe.
But one escapes; Tara, an incredibly sexy tomato-human, along with her adorable furry tomato friend FT, and falls in love with Chad, who along with his friend (George Clooney in an early role) and his heroic uncle from the first film, are trying to bring Prof. Gangreen to justice before his tomatoes rule the world. Just when they get closer their goal, the film runs out of money and they resort to a ridiculous amount of product placement to keep it going. I love it when a film breaks the fourth wall; not all films are successful when they do it but this one does it well.
I ‘d like to take a moment now to discuss the two characters that make this film: First is Prof. Gangreen’s trusty sidekick, nephew and aspiring TV news reporter Igor. Played hilariously by Steve Lundquist, he makes for a very charming villain and has some of the best lines and moments in the movie. Then there’s Tara, played by Karen Mistal (why doesn’t she have a career?). Now this is one sexy vegetable… or fruit… Jaw-dropingly sexy! But that’s not all: She can cook 850 international dishes, perform 637 sexual acts, and use all the popular home appliances. She also has an obsession with toast and turns into a tomato when Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony is played. And did I mention that she’s hot? Really hot! I know she’s a tomato, but I’d still tap that!
Return of the Killer Tomatoes is not your average b-movie, but is much more than your typical silly comedy. It’s funny enough to appeal to the mainstream, yet weird enough to fit into the world of ‘b’. And that’s why the film works so well! It’s a silly, funny b-movie that anyone can watch without hurting their head. Anyone who hasn’t seen a b-movie before and have no idea what to expect may find themselves overwhelmed with some of the titles out there; this one will soften the blow, as it works as a decent introduction to b-movies. But beyond that it’s just a great film with some great moments. Better than the first, it’s a classic by anyone’s standards.
Final Mark: 4/5
EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The movie-within-the-movie “Big Breasted Girls Go To The Beach and Take Their Top Off”. Need I say more?
The Bad: It’s never good when a production runs out of money… at least they picked themselves up.
The Ugly: Is it wrong to have a hard-on for a tomato? I mean, look at her, she’s hot!...
In A Nutshell: A hilarious sequel that stands above its predecessor.
Useless Trivia: Congressman Gary Condit, most known as a suspect in the Chandra Levy homicide, can be seen as a patron in the pizza parlour during a brawl. No word as to whether he tried to ban tomatoes while in office.
Favourite Quote(s):
13 July, 2008
Return of the Killer Tomatoes
11 January, 2008
Robot Holocaust
With a title like Robot Holocaust, you’d expect to see a lot of robots, right? Well, not only is there a serious lack of robots, the only robots you get are really stupid ones. Is this really what the future hold for us? Our world ruled by sub-par intelligent robots? Is this the long lost sequel to Transformers? I guess I better start learning how to telepathically talk to machines before it’s too late.
It’s the epic story where a band of warriors, lead by the mysterious drifter Neo (whoa!), who rise up against the robots who have turned on their masters and taken over the world. It’s kind of like post-apocalyptic film meets action film meets road movie meets musical… or something like that. But really Robot Holocaust is a perfect case study in how important a budget is to a film production. In this case, you shouldn’t try to make an epic sci-fi action movie with less than a million. That is what the filmmakers tried to do here, and boy are the results catastrophic! This film is gloriously bad, right down to the b-movie bone!
It seems to have everything you desire in a b-movie: a dreadful script chock full of dumb lines, shoddy set and costume design, a horrible synthesizer soundtrack, mind-boggling special effects, astonishingly bad acting (one of the best things about this movie, the performance of Angelika Jager as Valaria is priceless!) and even worse directing. And there so much nonsensical shit going on here it’s incredible, and not in a it’s-sci-fi-and-they’re-making-up-words-so-it-must-be-cool way either: zombies come out of nowhere, humans can read robot minds, a mute in a loincloth has to disable a bomb, poison air that strangely some people can breathe, interpretive dance… It’s almost brilliant in its crappiness if it wasn’t for its lack of decent robots.
This is a problem many b-movies have: they promise something in the title but not deliver in the story. It’s like. Here they promise a film with a lot of robots, possibly fighting to the death. You gotta admit the title is pretty cool. Instead we get a group of humans looking to take back their world now ruled by the robots. In fact, the opening narration tells us these events take place after the forthcoming robot holocaust, so we’re let down from the start. And throughout the film you get to see three or four robots, and that’s it! What a letdown. There are more humans than robots here; that just isn’t right. I think there should be a mathematical equation for situations like this to assure a film lives up to is promise. In this case, it should be a 3:1 ratio; there should be three robots for every one human in this film. Then it probably wouldn’t be so disappointing.
Robot Holocaust reaches incredible heights of crapiness; just talking about what they pull off here can take up a few pages. But it falls short of brilliance for its serious lack of robots. You know what this film needs? A remake. Give it a bigger budget, better, smarter robots (and more), better special effects, better action, and it will… wait a minute; a story is about humans fighting back against artificial intelligence after they have taken over the world, an uninhabitable earth where humans are forced to live underground, humans are being turned into robots for fuel, a hero named Neo… holy shit! It’s already been remade! Whoa indeed!
Final Mark: 2.5/5
EXTRA CRAP
The Good: A lesson for filmmakers: if you want to make the city you shoot in ruins from a major war without any costly special effects, just shoot at tall buildings with dirt and garbage in the foreground. Trust me, it will work.
The Bad: With so few robots, how is it they act better than their human counterparts?
The Ugly: Sock puppets and plastic spider legs are really quite vicious.
In A Nutshell: Needs a lot more robots.
Useless Trivia: The man behind the costume for the villain robot Torque is Rick Gianasi, best known as one of our favourite b-movie hero Sgt. Kabukiman.
Favourite Quote(s):
The Dark One: And yet, you breathe the poisoned air.
Jorn: I have no explanation.
Airslave Fighter: Your cowardly bitch!