The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

In a way, The Human Centipede is a cautionary tale: if you ever plan on going ass-to-mouth with your friends, don't get stuck in the middle.

The most notorious film in recent memory is, in actuality, a piece of junk. Sure, calling the film ridiculous and disgusting is like calling a spade a spade. What you may not know is that the film is so stupid, yet tries so hard to be deathly serious, you don't know whether to treat this as a horror or a comedy. It probably explains why this film has been hit with so many parodies not seen since Snakes on a Plane.

Between the annoying female leads, the retarded police officers, the sudden revelation centipede lead Katsuro has during the climax, or, lest we forget, the doctor's previous attempt at creating a centipede, the film is riddled with stupid moments that either don't make sense or are really so ridiculous you can't help but laugh. Even the mad doctor himself is so over the top you can't take him or his unexplained motivations seriously, though at least he come across effectively creepy. Maybe all that was the intention, maybe we're supposed to be laughing, but I don't buy it for a second.

And for a film that's supposed to be one of the most shocking ever made, it could have been a lot more shocking and could have benefited from a little more substance to the story. Instead, The Human Centipede is dull and uninspired, on top of being stupid, offering nothing to the genre or to its own legacy. In fact, the only legacy this film will leave is one similar to 2 Girls, 1 Cup; it's a real gag if you can sit through the entire thing. If you do, maybe you get a prize; just pray it's not the Home Edition...

Final Mark: 1.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: If anything, the director is a pretty competent filmmaker and actually made a decent looking film... undeserved, mind you.
The Bad: Really? Dogs?
The Ugly: There's gonna be another one with twelve individuals... yeesh.
Food of Choice: Chocolate Turds
Drink of Choice: A Piece of Ass
Useless Trivia: The film boasts itself as being 100% medically accurate, thanks to research conducted with a doctor who provided details on how it can be done. In other news, this is someone's freakin' doctor!
Favourite Quote: Dr.Heiter - I hate human beings!

Fortress

A word of advice: if you're gonna have more than one kid, do so before your country becomes a totalitarian society where you get arrested for having a second child... so, China.

That's the fate that falls under our hero John Henry Brennick (the always awesome Christopher Lambert!) and his wife, who get caught on their way to Mexico to give birth to their second child, and are instead sent to a maximum security prison, because, you know, parents rank alongside serial rapists and tax evaders. Now there's a major flaw with this charge against Brennick and his wife: see, their first child died during childbirth, but according to the law that still counts and they are still not allowed to have another child. Now I know this is an abuse of power that even the Taliban would find too harsh, but don't worry folks, Christopher Lambert is here to save the day!

It's life in the Fortress where things get interesting. First, the prison is a giant high tech death trap controlled by a very angry computer with a shrill female voice. Second, the warden is Red Forman. Third, all prisoners are injected with a chip into their intestines that cause incredible pain when the computer is commanded to "intestinate". It looks like all hope is lost, but remember, Christopher Lambert will show Red Forman who's in charge.

Low budget, ultra violent, and completely over-the-top, Fortress is one bad-ass sci-fi film of the 'b' kind! Directed by Re-Animator director Stuart Gordon and also starring our favourite mad scientist Jeffrey Combs, it's a whole bag of fun with low production values and a short runtime. Did I mention Christopher Lambert?

Final Mark: 4/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Kurtwood Smith remains one of the best villains in the business.
The Bad: Extra wires and solarization can't cover up a low budget, no matter how hard you try.
The Ugly: How does one poop with a chip in their intestine?
Food of Choice: Cheesy Sausage Nachos
Drink of Choice: Extended Jail Sentence
Useless Trivia: This nearly starred Arnold Schwarzenegger in the lead role, until he dropped out and was replaced with Christopher Lambert. I think he's a suitable replacement, no?
Favourite Quote: D-Day - [Explaining the volatile nature of the Intestinator device] It's like T.N.T on PMS.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

It's the mother of all bad Christmas features, and this would not be a b-movie blog if it wasn't discussed.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is a disaster of craptacular proportions! It's like getting a lump of coal in your stocking, a package of socks and underwear from Santa, or the first time you tried your aunt's strata. Premiering once and only once as a television special, this was an epic failure that probably should have killed the franchise. A feeble attempt to capitalize on the popularity of first film, the saga continues as Luke, Han and Leia help their fuzzy friend Chewbacca make it home in time for Life Day... with Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman and Jefferson Starship!

Words cannot describe what goes on in this special; Leia singing off-key, wookies talking to each other without any translation, unfunny comedic skits, and I'm pretty sure one wookie polishes one off. It's everything you've ever wanted in a Christmas special! So wonderfully tragic and mind-boggling, The Star Wars Holiday Special will bring tears to your eyes. It is not to be missed.

Final Mark: 5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The animated sequence is actually pretty cool.
The Bad: Princess Leia singing the holiday special theme song.
The Ugly: Chewbacca's dad shoots first.
Food of Choice: Ham and Broccoli Strata
Drink of Choice: Glogg
Useless Trivia: If George Lucas had his way, every copy of this special in existence would be destroyed. If we had our way, George Lucas would stop making movies.
Favourite Quote: Darth Vader - I want the rebels located and identified if it means searching every household in the system.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

And you thought Pennywise was terrifying...

Coulrophobia runs rampant in this out-of-this-world alien invasion flick. Killer Klowns from Outer Space is by far one of the strangest b-movies ever made. It's essentially an alien invasion horror film where the aliens look like clowns and utilize the likes of cotton candy and some impressive shadow puppets to abduct their victims. The fact that they are clowns sets the film up for a bombardment of puns, almost too many puns, to the point where your head gets sore from all the facepalms you perform on yourself while watching it.

Also, because they're clowns, their victims think they won't do any harm and don't realize what's happening until it's too late. This troubles me, because these clowns are fucking ugly! I don't care how much fun they are, if they don't look like nice clowns, don't stay to see what they do next!

Killer Klowns is like a movie adaptation of a Saturday Night Live skit: it's fun in small doses, but as a feature the gag runs pretty thin. I think the problem is like what other b-movies suffer from: it's self aware. It knows it's a big joke and doesn't take itself seriously. Too bad really, because seeing one of those fugly clowns drink a gelatinized human wrapped in cotton candy with a crazy straw is quite a sight to behold.

Final Mark: 2.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: You have to admire the director's ambition to put together a bat-shit crazy idea.
The Bad: It ends with a pie in the face. *facepalm*
The Ugly: Imagine people with a clown fetish watching this film...
Food of Choice: Dark Chocolate Bacon Cupcakes
Drink of Choice: The Cotton Candy
Useless Trivia: There's a scene in a bathroom that the director wanted to rival the Psycho shower scene. His version includes a toilet. *facepalm*
Favourite Quote: Curtis Mooney - I made it through Korea I can make it through this bullshit!

Motel Hell

If there is a fine art to preparing and cooking human meat, farmer Vincent is the king!

Parody or not, Motel Hell makes for a fun time at the movies. Rory Calhoun plays old-timer Vincent Smith, a farmer who along with his charming wife captures humans, plants them in his garden, and when they're nice and plump turns them into the most delectable smoked meat this side of Missouri. Only his Sheriff son and a useless young girl spared by Vincent. Throw in Wolfman Jack as a local reverend and pig head costume, you got yourself quite the memorable flick.

If it wasn't for Rory Calhoun's hilariously over-the-top performance and his awesome pig-headed killing costume, this would just be another bad slasher flick; instead you get a funny result where a lot of people interpret it as a slasher parody, which I don't think was intentional. A bad ripoff of Texas Chainsaw? Maybe. But a direct parody? I doubt it. Regardless, Motel Hell is one fun b-movie this side of Missouri.

Final Mark: 3.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Legendary actor Rory Calhoun owns this movie!
The Bad: Vincent's fatal flaw: he uses preservatives. Shame...
The Ugly: Ida is quite the catch there, Vincent.
Food of Choice: Not Your Every Day Smoked Pork Spare Ribs
Drink of Choice: Smoked Martini
Useless Trivia: Tobe Hooper was once attached to direct this, as funny as that may sound. But he dropped out and instead made The Funhouse. Yep, he made the right decision.
Favourite Quote: Vincent Smith - There's too many people in the world and not enough food. Now this takes care of both problems at the same time.

Evil Toons

Cartoon violence can be a controversial thing. Cartoon rape and demonic possession, however, can be surprisingly entertaining!

After the success of Who Framed Roger Rabbit, the idea of combining live action with animation opened a world of possibilities for dazzling stories. Yet, here we are talking about Evil Toons. It’s your typical story of sexy co-eds stuck in an old house being terrorized by a psychotic demon and David Carradine; you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Except this time the evil little bastard is a cartoon that came to life from a drawing in everyone’s favourite satanic reading, the Necronomicon. That damn book has caused so many problems for so many innocent people, you’d think they would do a better job destroying it. Anyways, as you can imagine, the cartoon comes to life and all hell breaks loose.

Now for the most part this film is pretty entertaining; the girls are dumb as fuck and twice as naked, and the film does move along at a nice pace. However there are two problems with the film, and they both relate to the same thing: its title. Here’s the thing; it’s called Evil Toons. A title like that should indicate there are many evil toons that run amuck in this film, right? Apparently not; instead we get one. One stinking evil toon! That’s strike one! At least we should be able to see that toon wreak havoc, right? Again, not so much. The other major problem with the film is the toon only gets about five minutes of screen time! Are you kidding me? You promise me evil toons and all I get is one barely seen toon? That’s just balls!! So how does one lonely toon find time to terrorize a group of sexy co-eds with no screen time? Possession. That’s right, the toon possesses one of the girls, who then basically is your monster for most of the film. You see, this is what happens when you start shooting your brilliant idea without working out a budget first. Call this strike two! Fortunately for the film it never makes a third strike.

Evil Toons has all the right elements in place, but unfortunately it does not deliver. It really could have been a b-movie classic if more effort was put into it. Yet, it doesn’t completely disappoint; you get an abundance of boobs, David Carradine, a few good chuckles, and some remnants of a psychotic cartoon, so at least there’s enough there to please us feeble-minded drool monkeys. Still, it would have been great to see more evil toons…

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: B-movie legend Dick Miller makes an appearance. The world needs more Dick Miller.
The Bad: It’s called Evil Toons, but it only gives you one pathetic toon. Someone declare shenanigans!
The Ugly: Pornstars do not have comic timing.
Food of Choice: Baked Ham in Champagne
Drink of Choice: Black Magic
Useless Trivia: Director Fred Olen Ray is a part-time professional wrestler who owns his independent wresting league. And if this film has anything to say, it’s that he probably wrestles about as good as he directs.
Favourite Quote: Megan - [after watching Roxanne strip] Wow, that was interesting.

Psycho Girls

Murder, torture, cannibalism, sweaty sex… All of this can be pretty traumatizing, but when one man survives all of this, what does he do? What else?... He writes his story…

As an aficionado of all things ‘b’, you go out of your way to research and discover titles to add to your collection. But it is always the ones that come out of left field, the ones you’re not looking for, that really surprise you. Take Psycho Girls for example: I’ve never even heard of this film, yet one day after leaving the TV on, this little craptacular gem started playing. And if I didn’t change the channel sooner like I should have, I wouldn’t have wasted two hours with this amazing piece of trash.

Some people have described Psycho Girls as a tongue-in-cheek horror. Those people are fucking idiots! There is nothing tongue-in-cheek about this; it is just awful, awful, awful! This is amateur filmmaking at its finest, and it is very painful to watch. Take every possible horror cliché you can think of, and I mean the bad ones, and throw them into a script that makes no sense, and this is what you end up with. Man, does this film suck!

So what’s it about? A writer right out of a hardboiled crime film writes a story about a particularily horrific event he was a part of, which turns out to be a useless trope for the plot. It starts out with a little girl who poisons her parents and is sent to the nuthouse for her efforts. Grown up and just as crazy, she then escapes, kills her sister, and takes on her identity to torture and murder some unlucky individuals planning a dinner party, including our fateful narrator. This leads to a very weird sequence where one of the guests discusses brain mechanics while munching on an unusually glutinous piece of steak tartare. The dinner party guests are then tied up and tortured by manical killer and her crew, one that oddly looks like Freddie Mercury. The guest are tortured one by one, leading to a climax that includes a duel with pipes, and ends on a twist so laughable you will resort to torturing your dinner guests.

Despite its unabashed levels of bad horror, Psycho Girls does have one thing going for it: the torture scenes are quire gruesome, so gruesome that it’s actually still banned in some regions. It’s essentially torture horror before torture horror became big. You can almost say that this film was ahead of its time. But even that is too much praise for this heaping pile of flaming garbage.

Psycho Girls is bad, painfully bad. Not one of the worst films out there, but it’s up there. Good gore, some good shock value, but it’s very amateurish. You get the feel that they were trying to make a good movie here, and that usually results in something bad but good; not this time. The fact that they sucked at making it makes it that much more tough to watch. If you think passing a large turd through an extreme case of hemorrhoids is fun, you’ll probably dig Psycho Girls.

Final Mark: 1/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Kim Cayer. This chick is hot! She should have been a scream queen.

The Bad: A six-year-old writing a book report on Where’s Waldo would be better then writing than this cliché-ridden script.

The Ugly: That couple having sex sweats more than two pigs in a sauna… how do they grip anything?

In A Nutshell: Torture can work up an appetite; thank goodness for pizza places that also deliver pretzels and burritos and don’t call the cops when their delivery boy doesn’t return.

Useless Trivia: Director Jerry Ciccoritti had led one of the most successful directing careers in Canada shortly after making this film. If that doesn’t say enough about Canadian cinema I don’t know what does.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Narrator: She wasn't insane, she was beyond insane. She left insanity at the door. She was having a neck and neck race with sanity, and she was about to win.
• Narrator: That's my story. You can use it if you want. It would make for a good case study.

Undead

An alien invasion right in the middle of a zombie outbreak? That would suck!

It’s nice to see horror comedies making a resurgence nowadays, but there was a long gap where we had nothing. For a while these films only existed in the form of Troma or parody and PG-rated crap. There were some good comedic moments popping up in straight horror flicks, but they are too few and far between. It was a good ten years before we had a horror comedy to get excited about.

Enter Undead, a kick-ass horror comedy from Australia that even crosses into sci-fi territory. No surprise it came from Australia though; the last good horror comedy came from that region in the form of the classic Braindead! Except here they upped the ante Braindead set and have raised the bar with their fresh take on the genre. Of course it starts out like any other zombie flick; the undead invade a small town after a series of meteorites blast through the atmosphere, and the only hope belongs to a gun-nut hermit, a former beauty pageant queen, and a very angry lawman.

But unlike other zombie films, this takes an interesting turn when they discover the whole town is sealed up by a giant wall and are being chased by mysterious figures that may or may not be aliens. It’s zombie horror meets alien invasion! It even has shades of the western genre with its enigmatic, paranoid bad-add Marion. The filmmakers have a lot of influences in various genres and it shows in each scene. They pay homage to their heroes without ripping them off.

Anyone remotely familiar with the zombie genre knows that a good zombie film has buckets of blood; Undead does not disappoint. The splatter is plentiful and rewarding, using over 600 litres of the red stuff throughout and is tops with some of the classics. But even better is character of local foul-mouthed sheriff Harrison, who spews some of the funniest shit you’ll ever hear from anyone in the middle of a zombie outbreak! It’ll keep you pissing yourself from beginning to end!

You’ll have a lot of fun with Undead. With ample amounts of gore and giggles, and a side order of the X-Files just to mix things up, you should be pleasantly surprised with this gem. It’s also nice to see a zombie film that is not like other zombie films, which is the sole reason why the genre is dying the first place... but that’s another rant. If you are looking for a fun splatter-filled zombie film with a twist, Undead will satisfy your cravings.

Final Mark: 3.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Undead trumps its predecessor Braindead by using over 600 litres of fake blood throughout production.

The Bad: I would rather encounter a zombie human before I encounter a zombie fish.

The Ugly: That’s right; Sheriff Harrison kisses his mother with that mouth.

In A Nutshell: Mental note: make triple shotgun when zombie outbreak hits.

Useless Trivia: The directors edited and did the special effects on their home PC using, of all things, Premiere. It took them nine months to complete it. That’s either devotion, or that’s stupidity… no, it’s just stupidity.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Harrison: When I was a kid, we fuckin' respected our parents, we didn't fuckin' eat 'them!
• Alien #1: [to other Alien without suit] Put you clothes back on.
  Alien #2: I'm comfortable with who I am.
• Harrison: I'll fuckin' finish you off faster than a fuckin' birthday cake at a fat chick's fuckin' birthday party!

Starcrash

You got to hand it to the Italians: they know how to make good trash.

Every once in a while a film comes along that is so big and so popular it spawns some really bad imitators. Us b-movie aficionados have found appreciation in big blockbusters for this exact reason. One such film was Star Wars which spawned a plethora of ridiculously bad imitators. Enter the Italian film industry, notorious for producing big Hollywood blockbuster knock-offs, who jumped on the Star Wars bandwagon to make their own sci-fi action epic... with a limited budget of course. Put all these ingredients together in a blender and puree on high, and you get Starcrash, a deliciously bad film of gigantic proportions.

What makes Starcrash so amazing is that there is so much that is bad, not just one or two things. We're talking about the acting, the set pieces, the writing, the special effects, the piss-poor dubbing, the redneck robot... everything! Mind you this is all because the incredible speed these filmmakers worked at to get this out and capitalize on the Star Wars craze, not to mention working with a budget so low Roger Corman would be ashamed. Even Caroline Munroe running around in practically nothing can't help this fabulous train wreck. But it doesn't hurt either, and frankly she doesn't need to: Starcrash is amazing the way it is. That's right kids, this is a textbook case of so-bad-its-good disorder.

As I said, there isn't just one or two things that stand out in this flick, but there are a few worth mentioning. Akton is quite possibly the most annoying and ugliest hero-slash-Luke Skywalker wannabe with an abundance of powers, including seeing into the future. L is a robot sheriff programmed with a southern US accent. Count Zartharn, the evil overlord hellbent on ruling the universe, travels through space on a giant claw that can transform into *gasp* a fist! Yes, that really is Christopher Plummer. In case you are wondering, they are called "light swords", not "light sabres". And finally, when all else fails, stop time! This is only a sample of what makes this a classic.

Starcrash is a real treat for b-movie fans. This is a treasure trove of crap cinema and, like a fine wine, only gets better with age. When it comes to ripoffs and films that are bad from start to finish, Starcrash is top-notch. It exists at the same plateau as Plan 9, but has the distinction of starring people that maintained a decent career afterwards, a rare b-movie trait. It is truly an amazing film, with a very appropriate title, and is worth multiple viewings! So good, in fact, that it deserves a loyal fan base like Star Wars or Star Trek. And for that fan base, I propose a name for them, similar to Trekkies or Deadheads. How does "bonehead" sound?

Final Mark: 4.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Caroline Munro and her interchangable sexy outfits.

The Bad: Someone watched this and gave David Hasselhoff a career.

The Ugly: Those special effects are something else...

In A Nutshell: Hey, Christopher Plummer, what's that black spot on your resume?

Useless Trivia: This was nominated for an award... a legitimate award too! It was nominated for a Saturn Award for Best Foreign Film. And that is the sound of your head exploding!

Favourite Quote(s):

• The Emperor: You know, my son, I wouldn't be Emperor of the Galaxy if I didn't have a few powers at my disposal. Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!
• Stella Star: So you see into the future. All these years you never told me. Think of all the trouble I might have avoided.
  Akton: You would have tried to change the future, which is against the law. So therefore I can tell you nothing.
• L: It's so nice to be turned on again.
• Stella Star: Get ready to ease out of orbit.
  Akton: This doesn't make you nervous, does it?"
  Stella Star: Well, leave it to me.
  Akton: Build up maximum energy!
  Stella Star: OK, I'm ready.
  Akton: All system prepare for full power!
  Stella Star: Let's lock in these controls...
  Akton: Let's go!

Santa's Slay

It always surprises me when a film with so much promise, and even a great start, ends up failing so miserably. Santa's Slay is no exception.

How's this for a premise: Santa Claus is really the son of Satan and is a truly evil bastard. But he lost a bet through a game of curling and had to be nice for a thousand years. Well now the thousand years are up and Santa is ready to go on a killing spree! now tell me that is not a great idea!! How do you make it better? You add a Jewish pro wrestler as Santa, a ridiculous cast of cameos (James Caan, Fran Drescher, Dave Thomas, Rebecca Gayheart, Robert Culp, and many more), everyone's favourite Hollywood hack Brett Ratner as producer, an animated sequence reminiscent of some classic holiday specials, and you've got yourself a winner! Right?...

Unfortunately the film falls short of greatness. What makes this more disappointing is that it started out pretty good with some decent kills, a bit of unnecessary nudity, and enough bad puns to make you vomit egg nog. But at the halfway point it just drops like a roasted chestnut and basically becomes a pile of steaming Christmas shit with an ending that really lets you down. Without giving too much away, they basically built up the story to a climax that never happened. The ending was actually quite anti-climactic, which leaves you disappointed. Yet that's not even the worst the thing about this film.

Their biggest mistake?: at one point the producer or director or one of the other hacks who worked on this thought "hey, let's set this up for a sequel so we can have this guy come back as Santa and kick some more ass, because he's totally gonna be a star in two years!" Bad idea. You see, they broke an unwritten rule of b-moviemaking: don't plan for a sequel. Your film is a b-movie!! You only have one shot to get this right, and chances are you won't be able to make another. Even if they did get to make another, after the way they ended this one I'm definitely not interested to see more.

It is really unfortunate that this film ended the way it did. I really wanted to like it; it had so much potential to become an instant b-movie classic and anti-Christmas must see! But it failed at accomplishing this status, and failed miserably. A good start that goes downhill quickly, Santa's Slay is more like a lump of coal in your stocking. 'Tis the season for great bad Christmas movies. Too bad this isn't one of them.

Final Mark: 2.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Yule (ha!) love the Rankin/Bass-like animated sequence.

The Bad: Why did this not discredit Brett Ratner career?

The Ugly: Chris Kattan needed a better death.

In A Nutshell: So much promise... so much disappointment...

Useless Trivia: Santa is played by Jewish pro-wresting star Bill Goldberg, and even performs some of his trademark wresting moves in this flick. Someone thought it was wise to give him a second chance at an acting career after his role in the Universal Solider sequel.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Santa Claus: Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.
• Santa Claus (while reading a copy of A Christmas Carol): Boy, Christmas can sure scare the Dickens out of people.
• Mary: You hit like a girl.
  Nick: You kiss like a guy.

Killer Tomaotes Eat France!

Whoever came up with the idea of making a fourth killer tomato film is an idiot.

You know, it’s one thing to build on a franchise; it’s another thing to milk it for all its worth, then continue to milk it dry. That’s what creator and franchise director John De Bello did by directing this fourth of three films. Granted, this was supposed to be the third film of the trilogy and would have been an acceptable conclusion. However this film was held back in favour of a different sub-par franchise entry, Killer Tomatoes Strike Back. That, along with an animated series, a videogame and a series of comic books proved to be complete killer fruit overexposure. So when this film finally came along, the interest in killer tomatoes was gone. It’s sad.

But even if there were some interest remaining for killer tomato films, this entry into the franchise would have likely destroyed it. It’s a rather piss poor entry in to the series. The film does not have one redeeming quality. Killer Tomatoes Eat France! is a very unfunny film, period. De Bello was leading everything up to this film, hinting at it in previous entries, and probably should have been the swan song. But it’s far from it. Some laughs are recycled from the previous incarnations; some of the other laughs are just bad. It even has an opportunity to make fun of the French at every turn; it does, but very poorly. And there are these mutant tomatoes that come out of nowhere to help reign terror across France, and guess what: they suck! It’s more than just bad. It’s sad.

And that’s unfortunate because it has such promise and hype built up from the previous films. Furthermore it has the same director and writers, returning cast members John Astin and Steve Lundquist, a hot blonde, and even FT making a comeback. It’s a recipe for success! Instead, Astin is dull, Lundquist is terribly unfunny, FT is now irritating rather than cute, the blonde is blonde, and the crew ended up making an annoying children’s flick. Plus they add Skippy from Family Ties in the lead that deserves a serious ass kicking for even showing up here. I don’t understand how the creators can take all the right elements and do all the wrong things. It’s sad.

I would give the film an ‘A’ for effort, but I don’t really think they were trying. Their final entry into this franchise is a disappointing unfunny dud. They took a joke straight out of a b-movie, ran with it an nearly killed it with the first film, revitalized it with the second film, and by this film… well, they already killed the joke by this point, they had no hope in hell to bring it back. The least they could have done was gone out on a high note, but no! If the franchise was truly dead by this point, Killer Tomatoes Eat France! was the cement poured on top of the coffin before it is ultimately buried. And it had so much promise too… It’s really sad.

Final Mark: 2/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: At least John ‘Prof. Gangreen’ Astin is here to bring back any dignity lost from the franchise.

The Bad: Such a beautiful woman for the female lead… such a waste…

The Ugly: I want to punch Skippy in the throat!

In A Nutshell: The fourth and final entry in the Killer Tomatoes saga is not funny at all, and may have killed any remaining interest the franchise.

Useless Trivia: This was supposed to be the third and final entry in the series, but instead they made Killer Tomatoes Strike Back! as a third entry to obtain funding for this film. This clearly backfired by using all their good jokes in the third entry.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Michael: What am I worried about? I'm 22 years old; I'm backpacking through France... Life is wonderful. Oh, who am I kidding? Michael J. Fox is a major motion picture star and I'm making a Killer Tomatoes movie, part 4! What am I worried about? I'm making a movie. I'm filming in France. I've got a piece of the merchandising! It beats dinner theater.

Return of the Killer Tomatoes

Whoever thought making a sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was a genius!

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes may have set the bar higher in the land of b-movies, but its sequel Return of the Killer Tomatoes is the masterpiece that one-ups it. Return is a hilarious, incredible b-movie that does everything right; it’s off-beat enough to be a b-movie, yet smart enough to fit within the mainstream. I know what you’re thinking: a b-movie should not be mainstream. Trust me, it is not mainstream, it only fits into the mainstream; it is still very much a b-movie. But it is a soft b-movie, one that anyone who has never experienced a b-movie would be wise to start with. Call this an introduction to b-movies. It does the genre justice. It is the film that introduced me to b-movies as a child, and afterwards all I wanted was more.

But beyond that it is just a great movie. The comedy is timed perfectly, the acting is great, the female lead is super crazy hot, and it is even a step up from the first film in production values and special effects. Even the story is clever: after tomatoes have been banned (which results in some interesting pizza recipes at the local pizza shop), Prof. Gangreen illegally ships tomatoes in and performs experiments on them, transforming them into a super-race of tomatoes disguised as humans, just so he can take over the world. How does he do it? He dips the tomatoes in toxic waste, places them in a chamber, and plays a tune on the radio; a different tune creates a different human, whether it is a soldier, or a celebrity look-a-like, or a total babe.

But one escapes; Tara, an incredibly sexy tomato-human, along with her adorable furry tomato friend FT, and falls in love with Chad, who along with his friend (George Clooney in an early role) and his heroic uncle from the first film, are trying to bring Prof. Gangreen to justice before his tomatoes rule the world. Just when they get closer their goal, the film runs out of money and they resort to a ridiculous amount of product placement to keep it going. I love it when a film breaks the fourth wall; not all films are successful when they do it but this one does it well.

I ‘d like to take a moment now to discuss the two characters that make this film: First is Prof. Gangreen’s trusty sidekick, nephew and aspiring TV news reporter Igor. Played hilariously by Steve Lundquist, he makes for a very charming villain and has some of the best lines and moments in the movie. Then there’s Tara, played by Karen Mistal (why doesn’t she have a career?). Now this is one sexy vegetable… or fruit… Jaw-dropingly sexy! But that’s not all: She can cook 850 international dishes, perform 637 sexual acts, and use all the popular home appliances. She also has an obsession with toast and turns into a tomato when Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony is played. And did I mention that she’s hot? Really hot! I know she’s a tomato, but I’d still tap that!

Return of the Killer Tomatoes is not your average b-movie, but is much more than your typical silly comedy. It’s funny enough to appeal to the mainstream, yet weird enough to fit into the world of ‘b’. And that’s why the film works so well! It’s a silly, funny b-movie that anyone can watch without hurting their head. Anyone who hasn’t seen a b-movie before and have no idea what to expect may find themselves overwhelmed with some of the titles out there; this one will soften the blow, as it works as a decent introduction to b-movies. But beyond that it’s just a great film with some great moments. Better than the first, it’s a classic by anyone’s standards.

Final Mark: 4/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The movie-within-the-movie “Big Breasted Girls Go To The Beach and Take Their Top Off”. Need I say more?

The Bad: It’s never good when a production runs out of money… at least they picked themselves up.

The Ugly: Is it wrong to have a hard-on for a tomato? I mean, look at her, she’s hot!...

In A Nutshell: A hilarious sequel that stands above its predecessor.

Useless Trivia: Congressman Gary Condit, most known as a suspect in the Chandra Levy homicide, can be seen as a patron in the pizza parlour during a brawl. No word as to whether he tried to ban tomatoes while in office.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Chad: The Girl of my dreams is a vegetable!
• Prof. Gangreen: My tomatoes can be made to look like anyone. A police chief, a congressman... the president himself! We... will... not... fail... AGAIN!
• Charles White: Cut it! Cut it! Cut it! Save the film, strike the broad and kill the babies.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Whoever came up with the idea of tomatoes killing humans is a genius!

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is everything you ever expect in a b-movie. It is the dictionary definition if you will. What more can you ask for? It has ridiculous monsters, amateur acting, musical interludes, no-budget set pieces, bad jokes… it’s almost perfect. But it has one problem that I discovered in re-watching the film after a while: it doesn’t have lasting appeal. It’s not a film you can watch over and over again. It’s a b-movie that doesn’t stand the test of time. That is what makes a b-movie great, and this film is missing it. I can’t pinpoint why; maybe it is the jokes, maybe the lack of plot, maybe the film quality… regardless, the film is missing a lasting appeal b-movies need to survive.

But that doesn’t mean it is without any classic moments. There’s the giant paper mache tomato on wheels chasing its victims, and the swimming tomatoes attacking a group of people at a swimming pool, and the kamikaze attack on a couple of people in their car. That’s what is a little weird about this film; it’s not very good as a standalone film, but it has certain moments that are great. They’re just too few and far between. You’ll be more entertained watching those great moments individually than watching the film as a whole. It’s surprising too because it has such a great title that really builds up expectation, only to break it down by the end. It becomes one of those films that’s basically a joke stretched far too long, like a Saturday Night Live skit turned into a movie.

With the tomatoes on the attack and the CIA’s special ops team hired to resolve the issue, it all builds up to the climax where the tomatoes are cornered in a stadium and the song Puberty Love is played over the loudspeakers. You see, the mad scientist behind the tomato uprising used music to create his monsters… a motif that strangely re-emerges again in the franchise. Puberty Love is a horrible song… HORRIBLE! They mention it throughout the movie and always say how bad it is, but they weren’t kidding! This song is painful to listen to, so much so that it makes you want to turn off the movie to avoid listening to anymore. They weren’t kidding when they were saying how bad it is. But happens to be the song that reverts the tomatoes back to their original state, and ultimately defeat them. But there is one tomato clever enough to protect itself from the song, which leads into the funniest sequence in the film.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a genuine b-movie. It may not be perfect, but it is great! And yes, I am aware that it is a spoof of the genre and that is supposed to be more comedy than ‘b’. Let’s not kid ourselves here; it’s bad, it’s fun, it’s a b-movie, even though it’s a spoof. But it’s a different kind of bad too. It’s not terribly funny and has too few memorable moments. It’s a funny idea that gets stretched thin, a joke that gets told too many times. And it doesn’t have lasting appeal, despite its ridiculous title. I think the title is more enjoyable than the film itself.

Maybe I’m just too hard on the film. It is after all just a b-movie, right?

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The various ways the tomatoes attack the humans are priceless.

The Bad: Puberty Love, the song that eventually destroys the tomatoes is really painful, enough to drive anyone nuts.

The Ugly: Don’t ever ask a tomato to pass the ketchup when a tomato is around.

In A Nutshell: A cult film that will always retain its cult status, but not as great as one would hope.

Useless Trivia: The drummer for Pearl Jam is the performer of Puberty Love. Eddie Vedder is a douche.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Dr. Nokitofa: Technically sir, tomatoes are fags.
  Dr. Morrison: He means fruits.
• Wilbur Finletter: (after finding the mangled body of team member Gretta) I just wanted to warn you there's been tomato activity reported in your area. Carry on.
• Ted Swann: We have to convince the little housewife out there that the tomato that ate the family pet is not dangerous!

Robot Holocaust

With a title like Robot Holocaust, you’d expect to see a lot of robots, right? Well, not only is there a serious lack of robots, the only robots you get are really stupid ones. Is this really what the future hold for us? Our world ruled by sub-par intelligent robots? Is this the long lost sequel to Transformers? I guess I better start learning how to telepathically talk to machines before it’s too late.

It’s the epic story where a band of warriors, lead by the mysterious drifter Neo (whoa!), who rise up against the robots who have turned on their masters and taken over the world. It’s kind of like post-apocalyptic film meets action film meets road movie meets musical… or something like that. But really Robot Holocaust is a perfect case study in how important a budget is to a film production. In this case, you shouldn’t try to make an epic sci-fi action movie with less than a million. That is what the filmmakers tried to do here, and boy are the results catastrophic! This film is gloriously bad, right down to the b-movie bone!

It seems to have everything you desire in a b-movie: a dreadful script chock full of dumb lines, shoddy set and costume design, a horrible synthesizer soundtrack, mind-boggling special effects, astonishingly bad acting (one of the best things about this movie, the performance of Angelika Jager as Valaria is priceless!) and even worse directing. And there so much nonsensical shit going on here it’s incredible, and not in a it’s-sci-fi-and-they’re-making-up-words-so-it-must-be-cool way either: zombies come out of nowhere, humans can read robot minds, a mute in a loincloth has to disable a bomb, poison air that strangely some people can breathe, interpretive dance… It’s almost brilliant in its crappiness if it wasn’t for its lack of decent robots.

This is a problem many b-movies have: they promise something in the title but not deliver in the story. It’s like. Here they promise a film with a lot of robots, possibly fighting to the death. You gotta admit the title is pretty cool. Instead we get a group of humans looking to take back their world now ruled by the robots. In fact, the opening narration tells us these events take place after the forthcoming robot holocaust, so we’re let down from the start. And throughout the film you get to see three or four robots, and that’s it! What a letdown. There are more humans than robots here; that just isn’t right. I think there should be a mathematical equation for situations like this to assure a film lives up to is promise. In this case, it should be a 3:1 ratio; there should be three robots for every one human in this film. Then it probably wouldn’t be so disappointing.

Robot Holocaust reaches incredible heights of crapiness; just talking about what they pull off here can take up a few pages. But it falls short of brilliance for its serious lack of robots. You know what this film needs? A remake. Give it a bigger budget, better, smarter robots (and more), better special effects, better action, and it will… wait a minute; a story is about humans fighting back against artificial intelligence after they have taken over the world, an uninhabitable earth where humans are forced to live underground, humans are being turned into robots for fuel, a hero named Neo… holy shit! It’s already been remade! Whoa indeed!

Final Mark: 2.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: A lesson for filmmakers: if you want to make the city you shoot in ruins from a major war without any costly special effects, just shoot at tall buildings with dirt and garbage in the foreground. Trust me, it will work.

The Bad: With so few robots, how is it they act better than their human counterparts?

The Ugly: Sock puppets and plastic spider legs are really quite vicious.

In A Nutshell: Needs a lot more robots.

Useless Trivia: The man behind the costume for the villain robot Torque is Rick Gianasi, best known as one of our favourite b-movie hero Sgt. Kabukiman.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Jorn: I am but a simple man, Dark One. A man who is, clearly, no match for your powers.
  The Dark One: And yet, you breathe the poisoned air.
  Jorn: I have no explanation.
• Nyla: The first thing we do when we find one of you [males] is to remove your tongue...men chatter so.
  Airslave Fighter: Your cowardly bitch!
• Nyla: If we wake up dead, we'll know who to blame!

Santa Claus

Every few years a film comes along that features a match-up worth showing on pay-per-view. Here we have a film that features a fight for the ages: Santa Claus vs. The Devil! What better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus two storybook icons duke it out? It just screams happy holidays!

Okay, maybe I’m hyping this film up more than I should be, but you gotta like the idea. We first meet Santa at his toyshop (which for the record is not really at the North Pole but actually in a castle on a cloud in heaven… who knew?) preparing for the big day with his many workers. You see, Santa actually doesn’t use elves; he uses children from around the world. That’s right: he kidnapped a bunch of children and put them to work, ignoring any child labour laws in the process. Isn’t this the Santa Claus you’ve always known and loved? We meet these workers during a segregated geography lesson where Santa playfully takes us through each country where he kidnapped them. Did you know that African children wear loincloths and bones in their hair, and the kids from Japan look exactly the same as the kids from China and the Orient? Neither did I, but we’re all going to hell now with that knowledge.

Speaking of hell, we then meet Pitch, a minion of Satan (all hail). Satan is pissed off. Why you ask? Because kids all around the world are happy that someone like Santa brings them presents every year… which probably explains the desire to work for him at such a young age. Children are happy, and that doesn’t sit well with Satan. So he calls on Pitch, a devil with dastardly plans and even dastardlier dance movies, to have all children turn their back on Santa.

Pitch then turns his focus to a cute little girl who only wants a doll for Christmas, the son of wealthy negligent parents, and a gang of rude little boys who actually want to kidnap and enslave Santa. How’s that for Christmas cheer, eh? One problem with this plan: Pitch is not very good at causing mischief. His antics are more annoying than they are distressing. Not to mention that Santa, aware that he would have to deal with Pitch, was prepared for his antics with some handy tools courtesy of Merlin the Magician. Lancelot had no use for him anymore, but luckily Santa was around to give him work. Hey, if Santa will allow children to work at his base of operations surely he’ll let seniors work there too. Anyway to save a buck…

For the most part this film is incoherent, with some awkward editing, piss-poor dubbing and scenes that don’t make any sense whatsoever. But the film is also quite weird at times. For example, Santa is not exactly a gentle spirit here. At times you see him leering at children a little too much, he’s extra enthusiastic when he wants to use his high tech equipment to look into their dreams, and he promises to get back at any children who knock him. It’s Santa with a mean streak! If I knew Santa was like this I probably would have been good more often. Even his jolly old laugh sounds a bit maniacal. And there are some weird moments throughout including a surreal dream sequence involving the cute little girl where she speaks to a giant version of the doll she wants, who tells her to steal the doll otherwise she’ll never have one (this is crafty work of Pitch, by the way).

And considering this film is basically known as Santa Claus vs. The Devil, it doesn’t quite live up to that promise. But they do have a few Looney Tunes-inspired encounters including one golden moment where Santa sneaks up behind Pitch with a miniature cannon and shoots a rocket in his ass! Like I said: he has a mean streak! It kinda makes you wonder what kid was gonna end with that gift. In the end there is a lesson learned about being good and bad or something like that, but you won’t know it because you won’t even know half the time what the hell is going on in this film. That being said, it’s still fairly enjoyable and would be a good flick to watch each year alone with a glass of nog and a Toblerone. Then again, Santa may be offended by his portrayal in this film, than I’d say skip it to avoid any missiles up the ass from jolly old Saint Nick.

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: If you ask nicely, Santa will bring you a machine gun… for real!

The Bad: For a source of all evil, the devil is not very clever when it comes to dastardly schemes.

The Ugly: Santa is apparently immune from all child-labour laws.

In A Nutshell: Water and chocolate ice cream are your keys to defeating the devil.

Useless Trivia: Before this film was released outside of Mexico, it was screened annually around Christmas at local theatres, becoming a popular seasonal event. These screenings also brought on the popularity of Santa Claus previously unknown in the country. Is it the child labour, the James Bond-like gadgets, or his actually vengeful nature that makes him popular?

Favourite Quote(s):

• Narrator: This is Santa's Magic Observatory. What wonderful instruments! The Ear Scope! The Teletalker, that knows everything! The Cosmic Telescope! The Master Eye! Nothing that happens on Earth is unknown to Santa Claus!
• Lucifer: This time you must not fail! This time you must not be defeated by that bearded old goat Santa Claus! If you fail you shall be punished, and instead of red-hot coals, you will eat chocolate ice cream.
  Pitch: No! No, Lucifer, King of all Evil Spirits! Not that! By the horns of everything satanic, I beg you! To live I must have heat. Frozen meals are bad for me, especially chocolate! It's very bad for my digestion, which is so delicate.
• Santa Claus: Oh! Darn that Devil Pitch! Why, if I were on Earth right now, I'd put him in his place! But even he knows I can only return to Earth one night a year.

Street Trash

Melting hobos, severed penises, rape and necrophilia, racial and class stereotypes, decapitations, James Lorinz… this movie appears to have it all. So why am I not laughing?

I’m not sure how to take Street Trash; it certainly has its charm with its buckets of rainbow gore, but it’s not as great as most people make it out to be. Since its release over twenty years ago Street Trash has become a bit of a cult classic thanks to its infamous sequences where local bums melt after each drinking a mysterious bottle of booze called Viper. It’s basically the film’s selling point, but that’s all it got going for itself. It’s also very offensive and politically incorrect. Now this is not a bad thing necessarily. In fact, much of its appeal is how it is offensive and was intentionally made that way by writer Roy Frumkes. But what makes it bad is the fact that it is not very good at being offensive and politically incorrect. There’s no reason for it, it’s just offensive for the sake of being offensive. As a result, the film feels juvenile and effortless.

And for the most part, nothing really happens here: there’s no story, just a bunch of random vignettes that have nothing to do with each other, all revolving around melting hobos. The weirdest scene is where a hobo’s dick is ripped off and used for a game of hot potato. The only developing story involves a detective investigating the deaths by vomiting on members of the Mafia, but that story ends halfway through when he is killed by the villain of the film, a crazed Vietnam vet who runs the junkyard where all the bums live and has quite the crack-whore lady friend. The only character we get to know is Fred, a bum who’s just trying to get by, but is not very likable.

Who is likable is a doorman who works for a local Mafia boss, played by James Lorinz, best known as the star of Frankenhooker. He has nothing to do with the story but has all the best scenes, basically stealing the show here. It still baffles me that Lorinz doesn’t have a career similar to Bruce Campbell. He’s the best part of this movie. But even with that and the colourful ooze, it’s not enough to keep you interested

You have to hand it to Street Trash though; it is one of the most original films ever made. Whoever it was that thought of a story about bums melting from a drink was certainly crazy enough to actually shoot it and somehow pulled it off with a fair bit of success. This something you’d expect in a Troma film, but unfortunately it is nowhere near as interesting. It has no focus, it is quite perverse without any reason, and it’s just not that funny. In the end, Street Trash is overhyped and isn’t as good as many people say it is. But maybe it’s just me. A lot of people like this film, and it is a major cult classic. Maybe I’m just missing something. It would definitely play better in front of an audience of many, so if you’re looking to check out Street Trash I recommend bringing along some friends. But don’t blame me if you lose your friends.

Final Mark: 2/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Does provide a great idea to help solve poverty.

The Bad: If you’re expecting something a little more than melting bums here you’ll be seriously disappointed.

The Ugly: Sarah, the Vietnam vet’s crack-whore sex slave, is the ugliest thing this side of ‘B’.

In A Nutshell: Don’t drink Viper, no matter how cheap it is!

Useless Trivia: Bryan Singer, director of the X-Men movies and The Usual Suspects, worked on this film as a grip. Superman Returns would have been a better film if it were more like Street Trash.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Fred: Fuck you. Gimme a bottle of booze, here's my dollar, suck my dick!
• Doorman: Everybody's a hot-headed gangster. Everybody's Mister Mafia. Ha! The Don! The Don of Douchebags, that's what you are. Nick - Nick the Dick. That's what they call you, behind your back, you and your restaurant. Your stinkin' restaurant.
• Bill: Lady, I ain't so sure you don't have a cock.

Monster In The Closet

You know, for a Troma film, this is quite tame.

In fact, this is incredibly tame for a horror film. But this is a Troma film; not a Lloyd Kaufman Troma film, but it is released by them. It doesn’t have to be directed by Kaufman to be a typical Troma film; as long as it feels like one, it is all you need. But in watching Monster In The Closet, you wouldn’t have guessed it’s from the same team behind Class of Nuke’Em High and Terror Firmer. There’s no blood, a serious lack of boobs (with exception to one shower scene), and is not terribly offensive. You start to wonder what is it that makes this film a Troma film as you watch it, and you may find yourself losing interest after a while. But near then end, it happens: it becomes a Troma film! Maybe not a trademark Troma film, but you know right then and there its Troma.

The story of the film is something you’d expect in a kids movie, but this movie is far from it; a large, hungry creature that snatches its victims through their closets is terrorizing a small town. As it turns out, there is an alternate dimension beyond those closets, which explains how the monster gets around. A side note, this monster is ugly. I know most monsters are supposed to be ugly, but seriously this monster is UGLY!! A friend of mine said it best when he said that the monster looks like a giant walking vagina, and that’s a pretty accurate description. The only ones who can save the world from this creature is the gung-ho obituary reporter Richard, local professor and single mom Diane, her spunky science-nerd of a son (played by a young Paul Walker, who really didn’t make a lot of good choices earlier in his career), and her crackpot father Dr. Pennyworth who plays a mean xylophone.

There’s a running gag throughout the movie: a romance develops between Richard and Diane where each time Richard removes his glasses, Diane goes into a daze and stares into Richard’s eyes, tilting her head slightly and smiling just a little. It’s silly, but it pays off later…

Cut to the last thirty minutes of the film: after the town is evacuated, Richard, Diane and her son remain to defeat the monster. All their plans fail and they find themselves locked in Diane’s attic to hide from the monster, which finds them and slowly approaches them. Then the monster notices Richard without his glasses; the monster goes into a daze, stares into Richard’s eyes, tilts its head slightly and smiles just a little. Yep, the monster just fell in love with our hero. And that, my friend, is when it becomes a Troma film. The monster carries Richard across the threshold back to his dimension. And for those looking for logic, our hero doesn’t escape its clutches because he is repeatedly fainting (pussy). Diane realizes there is only one way to save her dreamy Richard: DESTROY ALL CLOSETS!!! That’s right, an APB is sent out to destroy all closets, and that is what everyone does in an amusing montage of destruction and chaos involving wardrobes.

You’ll have to sit through it, but when you finally catch the gleam in the eye of the monster falling in love with our hero, that’s when it pays off. The icing on the cake is the ‘destroy all closets’ montage that follows. Everything up until that is just okay, nothing special. It may take a while to get there, but it’s worth it, and then it feels like a genuine Troma film. It’s a fun flick that will leave you with a shit-eating grin on your face.

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: A PG rated film with some excellent ever-so-brief nudity; how often do you see that?

The Bad: Enough with that damn song! It doesn’t work, okay?!?

The Ugly: Our hero isn’t as good looking at the movie makes him out to be.

In A Nutshell: Monsters live off of closet energy.

Useless Trivia: Though the film was released in 1987 it was actually made in 1983. It sat in the vault for 4 years until Troma picked it up and finally released. At least they get it… or whatever there is to get…

Favourite Quote(s):

• Diane: Go out and destroy every closet you can find, every closet in the world! Destroy all closets!!
• General: Frogs? What do I give a ding-dong about Frogs? For Christ's sake get back in the ballgame Pennyfinger.

Body Count

An 80’s Canadian made-for-TV movie shot on video with no budget and bad acting… you can see where this is going.

But before we get into that, what the hell is up with this cover? It doesn’t make sense. I can’t even make out what it is supposed to be. There are three characters on the cover, none from the movie itself, randomly placed on… something. You can actually see the piss-poor utility knife cuts around the people on the cover, most likely lifted from a K-Mart catalogue. But what I can’t get over is the background these cutouts are placed on; seriously, what the hell is that? I don’t get what it is. It’s doesn’t make sense…

… And that should be a clear indication of what to expect from Body Count: a movie that doesn’t make much sense. The story is about a serial killer on the loose with the cops on his tail. We meet a cab driver, Mark, who gets caught up in the investigation as a suspect through the unfortunate circumstance of simply being in the area when the murders occur. If that wasn’t difficult enough, he is falling in love with a petty con artist whose only role in the movie is to be a love interest. It seems simple enough, and is really boring more than anything else and offers nothing special; it looks like just another crime drama with bad production values (the best example of this is when you see the SWAT team riding around in a newspaper truck).

Then there’s Paul, a shy, good-looking man who at the beginning seems to have no place in the story. Then he pays a visit to the doctor, who tells him he is dying. This apparently drives him… TO KILL! The movie suddenly gets interesting when he walks in a park and pulls out A FREAKIN’ SNIPER RIFLE and shoots a face in the crowd! Where the hell did that come from?!? Then it gets weird; the cops find a body at the local pier, then receive a call from Paul, who tells them he didn’t kill that person but is in fact the serial killer!! What the fuck? At first it seems like this guy decided to start killing because he was dying and is suddenly taking blame for all the murders. But as the story progresses we realize he really is the serial killer, which begs the question why the hell was he killing everyone in the first place, before he found out he was dying? Did the knowledge of dying change him? Was he even the killer? And what about that body found in the pier? Does that not matter anymore? Who killed whom again? Why haven’t you killed that annoying cabbie yet? It’s way too confusing at this point. Then another woman enters the story and then becomes the love interest for Paul. What the hell is she doing here?!? Now it’s getting ridiculous!

For the most part, Body Count is rather boring; much of it is your run-of-the-mill crime drama. Hell, trying to guess what the hell is on that cover can be more entertaining than this movie. But when we see Paul the sensitive dying man-child revealed as Paul the sensitive dying psycho-killer, this movie gets interesting. Not enough to hold it up, but enough to make it watchable. None of it makes sense when you try to piece the plot together, and if you can get past that you still have the bad production values and awful overacting to get through. But it has its moments that make it worth checking out. This one is pretty hard to find so call it a hidden b-movie gem. Just look for the bizarre cover made by a six-year-old.

Final Mark: 2/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: This movie does teach you a lesson: always keep your head down. You’ll know what that means when you watch it.

The Bad: Corporate videos look better than this.

The Ugly: Did I mention the cover?

In A Nutshell: Always approach made-for-TV movies shot on low-grade video with extreme caution, especially this one.

Useless Trivia: Star Jonathan Potts had a career after this film; he was the voice of ‘Link’ in the old Nintendo Saturday morning cartoon, and played Prof. Lowe in Jason X. It may not be a favourable career, but he’s done well for himself.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Detective Cory: The woman; did you shoot her?
  Paul: Sure, that was me
  Detective Cory: And the young couple?
  Paul: They died.
• Mark: You know what I wish?
  Lori: I'm afraid to ask.
  Mark: I wish I had the guts to touch you.
• Detective Al: I should have killed him. I should have waited right there in the cab and BLOWN his bloody brains out!

Last Resort

If you ever needed a reason why our favourite ‘80’s teen dynamic duo, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, should never work again, you’ve found it.

This is a train wreck unlike anything you have ever seen. Unfunny, incoherent, and completely brainless, it truly deserves to be at the bottom of the barrel. Never will you find a comedy as painfully unfunny as National Lampoon’s Last Resort. This is the kind of film that should come with a disclaimer along the lines of don’t watch with a weak heart or if you’re pregnant. It even hurts me just writing about it. What makes it so painful to watch is its incoherent nature; it is so dumb and confusing you just want to throw something at the screen. What bothers me most about this film is how some of the people involved genuinely thought they were making a funny, decent flick.

But despite being incoherent there is a plot in there, and I will try my best to explain it. For starters, here we have the two Coreys working together again, but even they should have known better than to star in this pile of garbage. Intended as a silly parody of beach party movies, Last Resort has the two Coreys and best buds who ‘magically’ travel to their uncle’s island getaway, where they suddenly find themselves coming up with a plan to save the island from evil land developers (yes, you have heard this story before). It may seem pretty harmless, but you haven’t seen the movie, have you?

It’s not easy to describe this film without resorting to violence. The best I can do is describing a memorable scene: Sam and Dave decide to scuba dive. You then see them ‘swimming’ underwater, which is essentially a stage with a blue background, sand on the floor, underwater plants made of cardboard, bubbles floating in the air to simulate bubbles in the water, and a mermaid. They even come across a gravestone marked ‘Jimmy Hoffa’, which I believe is meant to evoke laughter. Our two leads are ‘swimming’ by walking around and waving their arms around in a swimming motion. As all this happens you hear a bunch of random noises that are so annoying and pointless they can make your ears bleed. At one point Dave’s air tank explodes and projects him out of the water and into the air. And then we see him fall: a close up camera shot with a fan blowing in his face. That’s it. It’s baffling how poorly made this film is and this scene is a perfect example of how bad it gets. It’s as if the filmmakers weren’t even trying. It’s very insulting.

You don’t see too many films from National Lampoon anymore, do you? You can blame Last Resort for that. Any credibility National Lampoon had for making a decent comedy was negatively affected after releasing this dreadful comedy. It’s just a very dumb film, but not funny dumb, just dumb. You can actually lose brain cells from watching it (there’s your disclaimer!). And it’s very uninspired; there was really no effort made in the making of this film, and it shows in the final product. Between that and its incoherent nature, National Lampoon’s Last Resort is a true train wreck of a film. Even the two Coreys couldn’t save this film. Maybe they’ll have better luck with a sequel to ‘Blown Away’.

Final Mark: 1/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Dread Zeppelin. Hopefully they got paid well to appear in this.

The Bad: I’m not sure who I want to punch more, Haim or Feldman… no wait; it’s Feldman.

The Ugly: Zelda Rubinstein doing comedy… *shutter*

In A Nutshell: Painfully unfunny; even the filmmakers who made ‘Manos’ put forth more effort than this.

Useless Trivia: You see that random guy talking to Sam and Dave while working out in their living room? That’s Bill Clinton’s half brother. Seriously.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Sam: Put your fingers down! You did that in "The Lost Boys"!
• Dave: Kill? Like dying? I don’t wanna die! Dying? Death?
• Hemlock: I’ll carve you into strawberry pie.
  Bob: Oooh, that’s my favorite boss.
  Sam: Is that with or without whipped cream?
  Bob: With!

Gymkata

Fusion can be a funny thing sometimes. You’re taking a big risk when you’re combining two things that don’t normally go together, but the results, whether bad or good, are often entertaining. It can result in something brilliant (Shaun of the Dead), exhilarating (Metalcore) or compelling (Joaquín Torres-García), but can also be hilariously bad (Limp Bizkit). And then you get fusion that just doesn’t work. For example, strawberries and Dijon mustard, or microwave ovens and cats, or even karate with gymnastics…

This is Gymkata, a very cheesy cult action flick that features the strangest fusion this side of the planet, and it’s better described by the film’s tagline: the skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate! Whoever thought of bringing these two together deserves a roundhouse kick to the face. It’s basically a gay version of karate! What can you do when you are a master of Gymkata? Well, you can kick, and backflip, and… handstands… and somersaults… and… well, pretty much everything else you’d expect from a gymnastics athlete with karate skills. In other words, you can fight like a girl.

As the story goes, the United States find a perfect spot to set up the ‘Star Wars’ defense system (go Reagan!). But instead of sending in their military, they send in a guy. But not just any guy, they send in Olympic gymnastics champion Jonathan Cabot, played by real-life gymnastics champion Kurt Thomas. Here’s the thing: Cabot doesn’t know any martial arts, only gymnastics. But that’s okay, because the government agent hiring Cabot only needs two months and a couple of assistants to teach him karate. Nevermind the fact that this guy thought hiring an Olympian with a mullet for a covert operation was a clever idea; apparently two months is all you need to train someone into becoming your country’s deadliest weapon.

There’s a funny sequence after the training where Cabot meets with the government agent and is shown some Bond-like weapons that can come in handy on his mission. What makes this scene funny is that we never get to see these weapons again! Maybe Cabot realized he doesn’t need any weapons, now that he knows GYMKATA!!!... Sorry…

Cabot finally finds his way to the tiny country of Parmistan (yes, you read that right, and no, it doesn’t exist), where he has to compete in ‘The Game’: think “The Most Dangerous Game’ with more ninjas and less tension. If he wins the game, the US will have permission to set up ‘Star Wars’ in their little country. Diplomatic negotiations never looked so easy. This is especially tough for Cabot whose father dies playing the same game. And not only does he have to survive ‘The Game’, which apparently no one has ever won, he has to survive the wraith of Zamir, the general of Parmistan who cheats at ‘The Game’ and wishes to take control of the country to satisfy his own need for power. But with the Princess of Parmistan as his love interest and the US government backing his actions, nothing should stop Cabot!... not even the village of the Crazies!!

Which brings us to the strangest sequence in the film. During ‘The Game’ contestants have to travel through the village of the Crazies, where sunlight seems to disappear upon entering. The town is full of truly weird characters going after our hero, including a two-faced man, cackling old ladies, and a priest with no underwear (you’ll know what I mean when you see it). Cabot is chased by the crazies all over town and is cornered in back alleyway. But he’ll be okay. Why? Because there’s a freakin’ pommel horse right in the middle of the alleyway!!! It’s a Gymkata master’s dream come true! Unbelievable! He goes to town on the crazies and before you know it he gets away.

Cut to the second strange part of this sequence: as our hero runs from the crazies he is cornered in another alleyway and all seems hopeless (probably because there’s no parallel bars or something he can use) until he is saved by one of Zamir’s ninja henchmen. Back to that in a moment: this is a one minute sequence stretched out to about five minutes thanks to the director’s choice of shooting it in super-slow motion. Why he does this is beyond me; it’s completely unnecessary and really painful to sit through. Back to the ninja that saved Cabot: he’s revealed to be his father! What?? Even though he clearly died at the beginning of the film, he suddenly turns up alive and giving our hero more reason to win! It caps off sequence that incredibly nonsensical and mind numbing. It is truly the highlight of this amazingly asinine film.

In reviewing this film I feel obliged to include a pun about athletic judging. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do that here, but I will say this: Gymkata does not get high marks in either concept or execution. The 80’s was a decade full of bad movies and this is no exception. But it’s dumb enough to be worth watching. It has developed a cult following since its release and rightfully so. It may be dumb, but it’s dumb fun! A word of advice though: don’t start asking gyms about taking Gymkata classes, you’ll probably get beaten up with a real martial art.

Final Mark: 2/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The Village of the Crazies sequence is the standout sequence of the film that is so ridiculous it really is the best part of the film.

The Bad: Combining gymnastics with karate is not as exciting as you’d expect.

The Ugly: Why is that guy not wearing any pants?

In A Nutshell: Iraq would be a different place now if they instead sent in a Gymkata master like Cabot to set things right.

Useless Trivia: Apparently this film is, or at least was, banned in Finland of all places. Something tells me it was for some pointless reason, but it’s fun to imagine why it was banned… after watching Gymkata, you probably won’t blame them.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Jonathan: Why don’t we send in the troops?
  Payley: Direct military action is out of style.
• Eastern Trainer: There are many sounds around us, each is slightly different. So small as to go un-noticed by the person who is unaware. Do not hear the wood split. Hear the only sound of axe, cutting air. Read the air itself. It has much say to you.
• The Kahn: YAKMALLAH!