Starcrash

You got to hand it to the Italians: they know how to make good trash.

Every once in a while a film comes along that is so big and so popular it spawns some really bad imitators. Us b-movie aficionados have found appreciation in big blockbusters for this exact reason. One such film was Star Wars which spawned a plethora of ridiculously bad imitators. Enter the Italian film industry, notorious for producing big Hollywood blockbuster knock-offs, who jumped on the Star Wars bandwagon to make their own sci-fi action epic... with a limited budget of course. Put all these ingredients together in a blender and puree on high, and you get Starcrash, a deliciously bad film of gigantic proportions.

What makes Starcrash so amazing is that there is so much that is bad, not just one or two things. We're talking about the acting, the set pieces, the writing, the special effects, the piss-poor dubbing, the redneck robot... everything! Mind you this is all because the incredible speed these filmmakers worked at to get this out and capitalize on the Star Wars craze, not to mention working with a budget so low Roger Corman would be ashamed. Even Caroline Munroe running around in practically nothing can't help this fabulous train wreck. But it doesn't hurt either, and frankly she doesn't need to: Starcrash is amazing the way it is. That's right kids, this is a textbook case of so-bad-its-good disorder.

As I said, there isn't just one or two things that stand out in this flick, but there are a few worth mentioning. Akton is quite possibly the most annoying and ugliest hero-slash-Luke Skywalker wannabe with an abundance of powers, including seeing into the future. L is a robot sheriff programmed with a southern US accent. Count Zartharn, the evil overlord hellbent on ruling the universe, travels through space on a giant claw that can transform into *gasp* a fist! Yes, that really is Christopher Plummer. In case you are wondering, they are called "light swords", not "light sabres". And finally, when all else fails, stop time! This is only a sample of what makes this a classic.

Starcrash is a real treat for b-movie fans. This is a treasure trove of crap cinema and, like a fine wine, only gets better with age. When it comes to ripoffs and films that are bad from start to finish, Starcrash is top-notch. It exists at the same plateau as Plan 9, but has the distinction of starring people that maintained a decent career afterwards, a rare b-movie trait. It is truly an amazing film, with a very appropriate title, and is worth multiple viewings! So good, in fact, that it deserves a loyal fan base like Star Wars or Star Trek. And for that fan base, I propose a name for them, similar to Trekkies or Deadheads. How does "bonehead" sound?

Final Mark: 4.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Caroline Munro and her interchangable sexy outfits.

The Bad: Someone watched this and gave David Hasselhoff a career.

The Ugly: Those special effects are something else...

In A Nutshell: Hey, Christopher Plummer, what's that black spot on your resume?

Useless Trivia: This was nominated for an award... a legitimate award too! It was nominated for a Saturn Award for Best Foreign Film. And that is the sound of your head exploding!

Favourite Quote(s):

• The Emperor: You know, my son, I wouldn't be Emperor of the Galaxy if I didn't have a few powers at my disposal. Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!
• Stella Star: So you see into the future. All these years you never told me. Think of all the trouble I might have avoided.
  Akton: You would have tried to change the future, which is against the law. So therefore I can tell you nothing.
• L: It's so nice to be turned on again.
• Stella Star: Get ready to ease out of orbit.
  Akton: This doesn't make you nervous, does it?"
  Stella Star: Well, leave it to me.
  Akton: Build up maximum energy!
  Stella Star: OK, I'm ready.
  Akton: All system prepare for full power!
  Stella Star: Let's lock in these controls...
  Akton: Let's go!