Santa's Slay

It always surprises me when a film with so much promise, and even a great start, ends up failing so miserably. Santa's Slay is no exception.

How's this for a premise: Santa Claus is really the son of Satan and is a truly evil bastard. But he lost a bet through a game of curling and had to be nice for a thousand years. Well now the thousand years are up and Santa is ready to go on a killing spree! now tell me that is not a great idea!! How do you make it better? You add a Jewish pro wrestler as Santa, a ridiculous cast of cameos (James Caan, Fran Drescher, Dave Thomas, Rebecca Gayheart, Robert Culp, and many more), everyone's favourite Hollywood hack Brett Ratner as producer, an animated sequence reminiscent of some classic holiday specials, and you've got yourself a winner! Right?...

Unfortunately the film falls short of greatness. What makes this more disappointing is that it started out pretty good with some decent kills, a bit of unnecessary nudity, and enough bad puns to make you vomit egg nog. But at the halfway point it just drops like a roasted chestnut and basically becomes a pile of steaming Christmas shit with an ending that really lets you down. Without giving too much away, they basically built up the story to a climax that never happened. The ending was actually quite anti-climactic, which leaves you disappointed. Yet that's not even the worst the thing about this film.

Their biggest mistake?: at one point the producer or director or one of the other hacks who worked on this thought "hey, let's set this up for a sequel so we can have this guy come back as Santa and kick some more ass, because he's totally gonna be a star in two years!" Bad idea. You see, they broke an unwritten rule of b-moviemaking: don't plan for a sequel. Your film is a b-movie!! You only have one shot to get this right, and chances are you won't be able to make another. Even if they did get to make another, after the way they ended this one I'm definitely not interested to see more.

It is really unfortunate that this film ended the way it did. I really wanted to like it; it had so much potential to become an instant b-movie classic and anti-Christmas must see! But it failed at accomplishing this status, and failed miserably. A good start that goes downhill quickly, Santa's Slay is more like a lump of coal in your stocking. 'Tis the season for great bad Christmas movies. Too bad this isn't one of them.

Final Mark: 2.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Yule (ha!) love the Rankin/Bass-like animated sequence.

The Bad: Why did this not discredit Brett Ratner career?

The Ugly: Chris Kattan needed a better death.

In A Nutshell: So much promise... so much disappointment...

Useless Trivia: Santa is played by Jewish pro-wresting star Bill Goldberg, and even performs some of his trademark wresting moves in this flick. Someone thought it was wise to give him a second chance at an acting career after his role in the Universal Solider sequel.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Santa Claus: Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.
• Santa Claus (while reading a copy of A Christmas Carol): Boy, Christmas can sure scare the Dickens out of people.
• Mary: You hit like a girl.
  Nick: You kiss like a guy.