Wow. Just wow.
What is there to say about Terror Firmer? Well, are you familiar with the old adage ‘like watching a train wreck’? Terror Firmer is more like ‘watching 9/11 with a laugh track’.
Offended yet? Try watching the film.
I’d like to think that I’m not easily offended by a lot of things. I’ve watched a lot of films in my life, especially a lot of bad films, and even films that have been deemed ‘offensive’. And when I have watched those ‘offensive’ films, they usually do not offend me. That is, of course, until I saw Terror Firmer. Never in my life has a film actually offended me as much as Terror Firmer did. It’s so offensive and disgusting, they practically had to call it art just to get away with it. The film is produced by exploitation studio Troma, the unabashed king of b-movies, and though they are known for producing rude, crude and vile products, but even this is pushing the envelope of taste for Troma. Think of it as the ultimate Troma film, with the dial turned up to 11.
The only thing you need to know about the story is that a Troma film is being made and everyone involved are getting knocked off in very elaborate, gruesome deaths by an unknown serial killer. This leaves it up to the Production Assistants to catch the killer… and finish the movie. I’m pretty sure some other stuff happens in there, maybe a love triangle or something, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you’re gonna see a lot of death, blood, sex, and pickles in this movie. There really is not point to the film, other than to shock and offend every human being alive. And they do not fail.
I’m not gonna go into the details of each and every death or sex scene you see in the movie; I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you (don’t worry, you can hate me later). But trust me when I say this: It’s wrong. It’s all so very wrong. I will tell you this much: when a movie starts with a killer ripping a crying fetus from a woman’s stomach, you know what you’re in for. And it doesn’t stop at death and sex; there are other moments that are just as messed up. This is where the ‘9/11 with a laugh track’ trait comes in. When I watched this film with a few friends, we found ourselves turning away in disgust, only to get sucked back into it just to see what they do next. And the worse it gets, the more numb you become. At one point during the screening, a friend turns to me and tells me how much he hates me for making him watch this movie. Frankly, I don’t blame him.
If you can sit through Terror Firmer, you can sit through anything. It’s revolting, disgusting, and completely offensive, and that is exactly why you should like this film, if for no other reason. If you’re a hardcore Troma-fanatic, or if you’re looking to put your senses through the ultimate test, this film is for your sick and twisted mind. If you’ve never seen a Troma film, or are just the occasional Troma bystander, be very careful with this film; you may never recover! For the record, I am not responsible for whatever happens to you when you watch Terror Firmer. You have been warned…
… Enjoy!
Final Mark: 3/5
EXTRA CRAP
The Good: It’s the ultimate Troma film!
The Bad: It’s the ultimate Troma film.
The Ugly: Okay, seriously, we don’t have time for that…
In A Nutshell: You’ll never look at a pickle the same way again! Damn you, Lloyd Kaufman for raping all five of my senses! I owe you one!
Useless Trivia: The film is meant to be a giant tribute to Troma films, in conjunction with the 25th anniversary of the studio, and is also based on Kaufman’s biography ‘All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger’, which I recommend reading, along with another book ‘Make Your Own Damn Movie: Secrets of a Renegade Director’. When you’re watching the film, look for cameos by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, director Eli Roth, and everyone’s favourite pornstar Ron Jeremy.
Favourite Quote(s):
Christine: No! – this is a Troma movie!
whore bitch vibe?
24 May, 2006
Terror Firmer
22 May, 2006
Tammy and the T-Rex
Ahh, Tammy and the T-Rex; what an unbearably great film you are! *sigh*
Tammy and the T-Rex is a real treat of a b-movie, and is one I discovered accidentally one fateful afternoon on television. I was stunned by what I saw: how can a film so bad and so silly be so damn great?! And more so, what possessed Denise Richards and Paul Walker to star in this movie?!! And even more so, why is Denise Richards stripping for that talking brain?!!!
Tammy and the T-Rex is the touching story of Tammy and Michael, a lovestruck teenage couple who are being threatened by Tammy’s ex Billy. At one point, Michael secretly visits Tammy in her bedroom but makes a bit of noise in the process. What does Tammy’s parents do? They call her… on the phone… from downstairs… to see if she is alright… and it’s the same damn phone line! Too funny!! Things suddenly get out of control when Billy kidnaps Michael and drops him into a lion habitat, where he quickly becomes a tasty piece of flesh for the resident lions. For the record, it’s best not to try and figure out why a lion habitat is in the middle of a residential California neighbourhood… it might hurt your head a little.
Later, with Michael recovering in the hospital, a mad scientist named Dr. Wachenstein steals Michael’s body, removes the brain, and places it in a robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex. They don’t explain why he created the robotic Rex; maybe for world domination, maybe to create a robotic dinosaur theme park, we may never know. In any event, Michael returns to life in his new body and escapes the mad doctor’s lab, going on a path of destruction and revenge towards those that did this to him, all the while reuniting with Tammy, his one true love. Awww, how sweet. Realizing that love and mechanical dinosaurs do not mix (well, in this case, at least…), Tammy helps find Michael a new body, which includes a stop at the local morgue. Uhhh, not so sweet.
And the wackiness doesn’t stop there. Beyond the bad special effects and top-notch acting, you even get a few memorably bad scenes, such as the hunt for the body in the morgue and the dinosaur charades scene, some weird woman-dinosaur affection, some very brief moments of gore, and the epitome of bad gay and black stereotypes involving Tammy’s friend Byron. The film is topped off at the end where Tammy dances and strips for Michael, whose brain is now out of the dinosaur and kept alive in a bowl. Yes, you heard correctly; Denise Richards strips for a brain in a bowl. Classic! It’s astonishing how bad this film gets, yet you can’t help yourself from laughing your ass off at it; it somehow becomes quite entertaining!
Back to the gore for a moment: You’ll notice when watching this film the amount of gore in it. There is actually quite a bit of blood and gore here, even though it is not that evident. You’ll love it when Dr. Wachenstein’s assistant rolls up the flattened body of a henchman. HA! Considering the film is rated PG-13, it’s surprising how much the filmmakers got away with. At the same time, though, you can clearly tell where they had to cut scenes to get that rating. For whatever reason, they thought they could release it as a family-oriented film, which is a hell of a lot funnier than the film itself. Because of this, it leads me to believe that there is actually an uncut, R-rated version somewhere in existence, complete with more gore, and maybe more of Tammy stripping for the brain! And if there is an uncut version somewhere, I wanna see it! Imagine this film as a 2-Disc Director’s Cut DVD! How awesome would that be?! To Stewart Raffill, director of this fine piece of work: if there is an uncut, unrated version of Tammy and the T-Rex, please release it!
You’ll either find Tammy and the T-Rex to be painfully funny or just plain painful, but you can’t deny that this is a great b-movie! It’s truly horrible and absurd film that tries too hard to be a family film, and yet doesn’t try hard enough, and it ends up being more dumb when it’s trying to be funny and more funny when it not trying to be. Whether you like it or not, Tammy and the T-Rex is genuinely so bad it’s good! It nearly becomes bad again, but slows down at the right moment. A must see for anyone looking for a good, or bad, b-movie. But this film could be even better if it was uncut and R-rated. Hopefully we’ll get to see that version someday soon!
Final Mark: 4/5
EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Michael, his brain already stuck in the dinosaur body, is with Tammy trying to convince her who he is. He does this by playing a game of charades. And no, his arms are not supposed to be that long. This should probably go under the ‘The Bad’, but the ridiculousness of it is so hilarious, it really is the best part of the film.
The Bad: Tammy stripping for the brain of her boyfriend at the end. There’s something awfully wrong with that, and yet I find it strangely arousing… Damn you, Denise Richards, for being so damn dumb and sexy.
The Ugly: Michael and Billy get into a fight, where for some reason end up squeezing the shit out of each other’s balls in an attempt to defeat one another. If only I thought of that when I was in a fight…
In A Nutshell: A horrible and silly film, it is deserving of its ‘so bad it’s good!’ title. But PG-13?? I want to see the R-rated version; it has to exist somewhere.
Useless Trivia: Apparently, Denise Richards refuses to talk about this film, which is a damn shame; I really want to know what the hell she was thinking when she took this part.
Favourite Quote(s):
Sheriff Black: No!