Terror Firmer

Wow. Just wow.

What is there to say about Terror Firmer? Well, are you familiar with the old adage ‘like watching a train wreck’? Terror Firmer is more like ‘watching 9/11 with a laugh track’.

Offended yet? Try watching the film.

I’d like to think that I’m not easily offended by a lot of things. I’ve watched a lot of films in my life, especially a lot of bad films, and even films that have been deemed ‘offensive’. And when I have watched those ‘offensive’ films, they usually do not offend me. That is, of course, until I saw Terror Firmer. Never in my life has a film actually offended me as much as Terror Firmer did. It’s so offensive and disgusting, they practically had to call it art just to get away with it. The film is produced by exploitation studio Troma, the unabashed king of b-movies, and though they are known for producing rude, crude and vile products, but even this is pushing the envelope of taste for Troma. Think of it as the ultimate Troma film, with the dial turned up to 11.

The only thing you need to know about the story is that a Troma film is being made and everyone involved are getting knocked off in very elaborate, gruesome deaths by an unknown serial killer. This leaves it up to the Production Assistants to catch the killer… and finish the movie. I’m pretty sure some other stuff happens in there, maybe a love triangle or something, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you’re gonna see a lot of death, blood, sex, and pickles in this movie. There really is not point to the film, other than to shock and offend every human being alive. And they do not fail.

I’m not gonna go into the details of each and every death or sex scene you see in the movie; I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you (don’t worry, you can hate me later). But trust me when I say this: It’s wrong. It’s all so very wrong. I will tell you this much: when a movie starts with a killer ripping a crying fetus from a woman’s stomach, you know what you’re in for. And it doesn’t stop at death and sex; there are other moments that are just as messed up. This is where the ‘9/11 with a laugh track’ trait comes in. When I watched this film with a few friends, we found ourselves turning away in disgust, only to get sucked back into it just to see what they do next. And the worse it gets, the more numb you become. At one point during the screening, a friend turns to me and tells me how much he hates me for making him watch this movie. Frankly, I don’t blame him.

If you can sit through Terror Firmer, you can sit through anything. It’s revolting, disgusting, and completely offensive, and that is exactly why you should like this film, if for no other reason. If you’re a hardcore Troma-fanatic, or if you’re looking to put your senses through the ultimate test, this film is for your sick and twisted mind. If you’ve never seen a Troma film, or are just the occasional Troma bystander, be very careful with this film; you may never recover! For the record, I am not responsible for whatever happens to you when you watch Terror Firmer. You have been warned…

… Enjoy!

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: It’s the ultimate Troma film!

The Bad: It’s the ultimate Troma film.

The Ugly: Okay, seriously, we don’t have time for that…

In A Nutshell: You’ll never look at a pickle the same way again! Damn you, Lloyd Kaufman for raping all five of my senses! I owe you one!

Useless Trivia: The film is meant to be a giant tribute to Troma films, in conjunction with the 25th anniversary of the studio, and is also based on Kaufman’s biography ‘All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger’, which I recommend reading, along with another book ‘Make Your Own Damn Movie: Secrets of a Renegade Director’. When you’re watching the film, look for cameos by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, director Eli Roth, and everyone’s favourite pornstar Ron Jeremy.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Casey: The perversions must end!... Family Values must be saved!
  Christine: No! – this is a Troma movie!
• Larry: You're supposed to be a seductress. Can you please read this with more of that slutty
  whore bitch vibe?