Monster In The Closet

You know, for a Troma film, this is quite tame.

In fact, this is incredibly tame for a horror film. But this is a Troma film; not a Lloyd Kaufman Troma film, but it is released by them. It doesn’t have to be directed by Kaufman to be a typical Troma film; as long as it feels like one, it is all you need. But in watching Monster In The Closet, you wouldn’t have guessed it’s from the same team behind Class of Nuke’Em High and Terror Firmer. There’s no blood, a serious lack of boobs (with exception to one shower scene), and is not terribly offensive. You start to wonder what is it that makes this film a Troma film as you watch it, and you may find yourself losing interest after a while. But near then end, it happens: it becomes a Troma film! Maybe not a trademark Troma film, but you know right then and there its Troma.

The story of the film is something you’d expect in a kids movie, but this movie is far from it; a large, hungry creature that snatches its victims through their closets is terrorizing a small town. As it turns out, there is an alternate dimension beyond those closets, which explains how the monster gets around. A side note, this monster is ugly. I know most monsters are supposed to be ugly, but seriously this monster is UGLY!! A friend of mine said it best when he said that the monster looks like a giant walking vagina, and that’s a pretty accurate description. The only ones who can save the world from this creature is the gung-ho obituary reporter Richard, local professor and single mom Diane, her spunky science-nerd of a son (played by a young Paul Walker, who really didn’t make a lot of good choices earlier in his career), and her crackpot father Dr. Pennyworth who plays a mean xylophone.

There’s a running gag throughout the movie: a romance develops between Richard and Diane where each time Richard removes his glasses, Diane goes into a daze and stares into Richard’s eyes, tilting her head slightly and smiling just a little. It’s silly, but it pays off later…

Cut to the last thirty minutes of the film: after the town is evacuated, Richard, Diane and her son remain to defeat the monster. All their plans fail and they find themselves locked in Diane’s attic to hide from the monster, which finds them and slowly approaches them. Then the monster notices Richard without his glasses; the monster goes into a daze, stares into Richard’s eyes, tilts its head slightly and smiles just a little. Yep, the monster just fell in love with our hero. And that, my friend, is when it becomes a Troma film. The monster carries Richard across the threshold back to his dimension. And for those looking for logic, our hero doesn’t escape its clutches because he is repeatedly fainting (pussy). Diane realizes there is only one way to save her dreamy Richard: DESTROY ALL CLOSETS!!! That’s right, an APB is sent out to destroy all closets, and that is what everyone does in an amusing montage of destruction and chaos involving wardrobes.

You’ll have to sit through it, but when you finally catch the gleam in the eye of the monster falling in love with our hero, that’s when it pays off. The icing on the cake is the ‘destroy all closets’ montage that follows. Everything up until that is just okay, nothing special. It may take a while to get there, but it’s worth it, and then it feels like a genuine Troma film. It’s a fun flick that will leave you with a shit-eating grin on your face.

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: A PG rated film with some excellent ever-so-brief nudity; how often do you see that?

The Bad: Enough with that damn song! It doesn’t work, okay?!?

The Ugly: Our hero isn’t as good looking at the movie makes him out to be.

In A Nutshell: Monsters live off of closet energy.

Useless Trivia: Though the film was released in 1987 it was actually made in 1983. It sat in the vault for 4 years until Troma picked it up and finally released. At least they get it… or whatever there is to get…

Favourite Quote(s):

• Diane: Go out and destroy every closet you can find, every closet in the world! Destroy all closets!!
• General: Frogs? What do I give a ding-dong about Frogs? For Christ's sake get back in the ballgame Pennyfinger.