Manos, The Hands of Fate

TORGO!!!

Here is the ultimate of b-movies. A film so bad even most b-movie enthusiasts can’t watch it. It is the dictionary definition of disaster. It is Manos, The Hands of Fate: a film that was created on a bet that local fertilizer salesman Hal Warren made to prove he can make a successful horror film with no budget. That was strike one. The remaining seventeen strikes come from the resulting abomination of a feature film.

We start out with an innocent family driving the countryside on a vacation. And they drive… and drive… and drive… and drive… and that’s all you see for the first five minutes, just driving shots. If this isn’t any indication of what to expect from this film then there’s no hope for you. After all that driving, they finally realize they’re lost and try to get some help from a couple of teenagers who’s sole purpose in the film is to be that couple that make out in their car in the middle of nowhere; that’s all they do. They have nothing to do with the story.

So, after some more driving they stumble across a decrepit lodge, where we are then introduced to Torgo. There’s no easy way to describe Torgo, and trying to explain his ‘foibles’ will not do him justice. You just have to see it for yourself. The family say they are lost and ask Torgo if they can stay at the house for the night. Then cut to Torgo, distraught. Then cut back to the family. Then to Torgo, distraught. Then to the family. Torgo, distraught. Family. Torgo… sweet Jesus, just say something Torgo!! You’re killing us here!!

Torgo finally agrees and the family shacks up at the house, but warns them that The Master may not be happy with them staying. Throughout the night things go from bad to worse, and the family (eventually) realize that they will need to escape before they fall under the evil spell of The Master… or his many cat fighting wives… or Torgo… or the teens making out… or maybe the filmmakers… no matter what it’s bad… painfully bad.

When things do from bad to worse, not only does it mean for the family, but for you as well. The film is on this constant downward spiral of shoddy filmmaking, piss-poor acting, and all the awkward silences in between from the get-go, and it continues to get worse up until the final ‘climactic’ moment. It actually physically hurts to sit through this film. Yes, it’s that bad! Seeing Torgo in action throughout the film is the only entertaining thing in this train wreck, but even that can be painful at times.

Just to save you time, energy and your health, here is the ending for you: Torgo stands up to The Master, complaining that he never gets the women while all The Master gets all the women. The Master resents this and orders his wives to… wiggle their fingers at him? This apparently doesn’t work, so The Master burns Torgo with his mind. It’s unclear whether Torgo died or escaped from this point, but if you are still trying to figure out what’s going on anyways, you have no life. Meanwhile, the family escapes, but somehow decides that they would be safer back at the lodge. What?!? They return to encounter The Master, who puts the family under his spell. In the final scene, we follow two girls, with more driving believe it or not, until they come across the lodge, where the father of the endangered family greets them and we see that the mother and daughter are now the property of The Master. There; now you don’t have to sit through it. Your welcome.

Do yourself a favour: don’t watch this film! It ain’t worth it. You’d have to be a hardcore b-movie fanatic to watch this film, and even then it wouldn’t be wise. If you have to choose between watching Manos: The Hands of Fate and doing something horrible to yourself like, let’s say, put your nuts in a vice or rub crazy glue in your ass crack, you may want to think twice about watching the film.

A word of advice: if you do want to watch this film, watch the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version; at least the gang at MST3K can offer some up some entertaining moments for this pile of shit. At least watching that version will be less painful… oh, it will still hurt, but not as much.

Final Mark: 1/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: As painful as this film is, Torgo is a legendary character, and upon watching this film you will know why.

The Bad: The fact that Hal Warren followed through with the bet, amongst other reasons.

The Ugly: Finding just one thing here is not easy, but after everything you sit through, and you thought it couldn’t get any worse, the out of focus shot of The Master in the final moments really hurts that much more. It just wasn’t necessary.

In A Nutshell: This film hurts from beginning to end. Watch at your own risk! You’re better off watching the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version.

Useless Trivia: ‘Manos’ is a Spanish word, and a rough translation of it is ‘hands’. Therefore, this film is technically titled Hands, The Hands of Fate… yeah…

Favourite Quote(s):

• Torgo: There is nothing to fear, madam. The Master likes you. Nothing will happen to you. He likes you.
  Margaret: Likes me? I thought you said he was dead.
  Torgo: Dead? No, madam. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always.
• Torgo: But master, you have six wives. Why can't I have one for myself?
  The Master: You are not one of us. Therefore you cannot have one of them.
• Torgo: You were his first wife, but he's grown sick of you. He doesn't want you any more; I don't even want you anymore!