Fortress

A word of advice: if you're gonna have more than one kid, do so before your country becomes a totalitarian society where you get arrested for having a second child... so, China.

That's the fate that falls under our hero John Henry Brennick (the always awesome Christopher Lambert!) and his wife, who get caught on their way to Mexico to give birth to their second child, and are instead sent to a maximum security prison, because, you know, parents rank alongside serial rapists and tax evaders. Now there's a major flaw with this charge against Brennick and his wife: see, their first child died during childbirth, but according to the law that still counts and they are still not allowed to have another child. Now I know this is an abuse of power that even the Taliban would find too harsh, but don't worry folks, Christopher Lambert is here to save the day!

It's life in the Fortress where things get interesting. First, the prison is a giant high tech death trap controlled by a very angry computer with a shrill female voice. Second, the warden is Red Forman. Third, all prisoners are injected with a chip into their intestines that cause incredible pain when the computer is commanded to "intestinate". It looks like all hope is lost, but remember, Christopher Lambert will show Red Forman who's in charge.

Low budget, ultra violent, and completely over-the-top, Fortress is one bad-ass sci-fi film of the 'b' kind! Directed by Re-Animator director Stuart Gordon and also starring our favourite mad scientist Jeffrey Combs, it's a whole bag of fun with low production values and a short runtime. Did I mention Christopher Lambert?

Final Mark: 4/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Kurtwood Smith remains one of the best villains in the business.
The Bad: Extra wires and solarization can't cover up a low budget, no matter how hard you try.
The Ugly: How does one poop with a chip in their intestine?
Food of Choice: Cheesy Sausage Nachos
Drink of Choice: Extended Jail Sentence
Useless Trivia: This nearly starred Arnold Schwarzenegger in the lead role, until he dropped out and was replaced with Christopher Lambert. I think he's a suitable replacement, no?
Favourite Quote: D-Day - [Explaining the volatile nature of the Intestinator device] It's like T.N.T on PMS.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

It's the mother of all bad Christmas features, and this would not be a b-movie blog if it wasn't discussed.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is a disaster of craptacular proportions! It's like getting a lump of coal in your stocking, a package of socks and underwear from Santa, or the first time you tried your aunt's strata. Premiering once and only once as a television special, this was an epic failure that probably should have killed the franchise. A feeble attempt to capitalize on the popularity of first film, the saga continues as Luke, Han and Leia help their fuzzy friend Chewbacca make it home in time for Life Day... with Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman and Jefferson Starship!

Words cannot describe what goes on in this special; Leia singing off-key, wookies talking to each other without any translation, unfunny comedic skits, and I'm pretty sure one wookie polishes one off. It's everything you've ever wanted in a Christmas special! So wonderfully tragic and mind-boggling, The Star Wars Holiday Special will bring tears to your eyes. It is not to be missed.

Final Mark: 5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The animated sequence is actually pretty cool.
The Bad: Princess Leia singing the holiday special theme song.
The Ugly: Chewbacca's dad shoots first.
Food of Choice: Ham and Broccoli Strata
Drink of Choice: Glogg
Useless Trivia: If George Lucas had his way, every copy of this special in existence would be destroyed. If we had our way, George Lucas would stop making movies.
Favourite Quote: Darth Vader - I want the rebels located and identified if it means searching every household in the system.

B.O.B. XMAS BUYER'S GUIDE 2009

Another year, another lovely mucky Christmas; time for another stupid buyer's guide! Here's a quick list for 2009:


Night of the Creeps have finally made their way to DVD. Many fans have been clamoring for this title for a long time now, so this should be on the top of your list.


Also finally making its way to DVD is Howard the Duck. For some reason, George Lucas decided not to revisit this film with some additional scenes and new special effects.


Less of a b-movie and more of a cool little flick, Hardware is another long sought out title that finally made its way to DVD. This hidden gem will leave you pleasantly surprised.


Finally, the coolest thing to get this year is Portable Grindhouse, a book about some of the greatest VHS art in history. Any b-movie lover knows that box art is how these films get discovered, so this should be high atop your list of purchases for 2009!

Have a mucky Christmas and bring on the new year!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

And you thought Pennywise was terrifying...

Coulrophobia runs rampant in this out-of-this-world alien invasion flick. Killer Klowns from Outer Space is by far one of the strangest b-movies ever made. It's essentially an alien invasion horror film where the aliens look like clowns and utilize the likes of cotton candy and some impressive shadow puppets to abduct their victims. The fact that they are clowns sets the film up for a bombardment of puns, almost too many puns, to the point where your head gets sore from all the facepalms you perform on yourself while watching it.

Also, because they're clowns, their victims think they won't do any harm and don't realize what's happening until it's too late. This troubles me, because these clowns are fucking ugly! I don't care how much fun they are, if they don't look like nice clowns, don't stay to see what they do next!

Killer Klowns is like a movie adaptation of a Saturday Night Live skit: it's fun in small doses, but as a feature the gag runs pretty thin. I think the problem is like what other b-movies suffer from: it's self aware. It knows it's a big joke and doesn't take itself seriously. Too bad really, because seeing one of those fugly clowns drink a gelatinized human wrapped in cotton candy with a crazy straw is quite a sight to behold.

Final Mark: 2.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: You have to admire the director's ambition to put together a bat-shit crazy idea.
The Bad: It ends with a pie in the face. *facepalm*
The Ugly: Imagine people with a clown fetish watching this film...
Food of Choice: Dark Chocolate Bacon Cupcakes
Drink of Choice: The Cotton Candy
Useless Trivia: There's a scene in a bathroom that the director wanted to rival the Psycho shower scene. His version includes a toilet. *facepalm*
Favourite Quote: Curtis Mooney - I made it through Korea I can make it through this bullshit!

Godzilla turns 55!

55 years ago today, Japan gave birth to a pissed-off monster. Happy birthday big guy! Keep on obliterating!

Why not celebrate by purchasing the best Godzilla box set out there!

Motel Hell

If there is a fine art to preparing and cooking human meat, farmer Vincent is the king!

Parody or not, Motel Hell makes for a fun time at the movies. Rory Calhoun plays old-timer Vincent Smith, a farmer who along with his charming wife captures humans, plants them in his garden, and when they're nice and plump turns them into the most delectable smoked meat this side of Missouri. Only his Sheriff son and a useless young girl spared by Vincent. Throw in Wolfman Jack as a local reverend and pig head costume, you got yourself quite the memorable flick.

If it wasn't for Rory Calhoun's hilariously over-the-top performance and his awesome pig-headed killing costume, this would just be another bad slasher flick; instead you get a funny result where a lot of people interpret it as a slasher parody, which I don't think was intentional. A bad ripoff of Texas Chainsaw? Maybe. But a direct parody? I doubt it. Regardless, Motel Hell is one fun b-movie this side of Missouri.

Final Mark: 3.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Legendary actor Rory Calhoun owns this movie!
The Bad: Vincent's fatal flaw: he uses preservatives. Shame...
The Ugly: Ida is quite the catch there, Vincent.
Food of Choice: Not Your Every Day Smoked Pork Spare Ribs
Drink of Choice: Smoked Martini
Useless Trivia: Tobe Hooper was once attached to direct this, as funny as that may sound. But he dropped out and instead made The Funhouse. Yep, he made the right decision.
Favourite Quote: Vincent Smith - There's too many people in the world and not enough food. Now this takes care of both problems at the same time.

Just a friendly reminder...

Bottom of the Barrel on Facebook

.. If you haven't joined us on Facebook, do it now! For long time fans, I've closed the group down and replaced it with a fan page to increase interaction. By joining, you can take part in b-movie related discussions, learn about upcoming events, and generally raise your social status. You'd be an idiot not to join!

Just a friendly reminder. :)

Roger Corman

“ I can make a film about the Fall of the Roman Empire with two extras and a sagebush” – Roger Corman

Today we give praise to an icon in the world of b-movie filmmaking: Roger Corman.

As one of the most prolific filmmakers ever, Corman has more than 350 films produced under his belt. He is behind some of the most memorable b-movies every created, including “It Conquered The World”, “The Wasp Woman”, “X: The Man With X-Ray Eyes”, “Caged Heat”, and “Carnosaur”. He is notorious for producing quality ‘b’ products in a short time span, often in a mere few days. He never spends more than a couple million on one title, will often reuse sets and crew to keep costs now, and always assures a return on each film. His films are so popular, that some have even crossed over into television, theatre, and even music. He is responsible for adapting the most memorable versions of the work of Edgar Allan Poe, starting the great Vincent Price. He is the man behind the now infamous, never released-version of The Fantastic Four. He is responsible for kick-starting the careers of some of the most successful filmmakers and actors ever, including James Cameron, Francis Ford Coppola, Jack Nicholson, Martin Scorsese, Ron Howard, and Sylvester Stallone. Roger Corman is one of the greatest filmmakers ever and a legend to filmmakers around the word.

And yet, that is not the reason why Bottom of the Barrel is celebrating Roger Corman. Of course all the aforementioned accomplishments are more than enough to honour this great man and should not be ignored, but that not why we’re here today. No, the reason we’re honouring Roger Corman today is because he did all of the above… AND will be getting an Oscar!

In a recent announcement, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences have declared that Roger Corman will be receiving an honourary Academy Award for all of his contributions to the world of cinema. That’s right; the man behind “Death Race 2000” is getting an Oscar! How cool is that?

It’s a bit unexpected that the Academy would honour b-grade talent like this, but they clearly recognize an influential genius when they see it. Corman is behind some of the greatest films and greatest talent to ever work in the business, both directly and indirectly. And though his films have not won any awards, he refuses to change his ways and sell out. He remains true to himself, he gives what the people want, and after 45 years in this business he doesn’t show signs of slowing down. He is a filmmaker’s filmmaker. He is a true auteur. There is no question that Roger Corman deserves this honour.

So, raise a glass, pop in a copy of “A Bucket of Blood”, and give praise to one of the greatest things that have ever happened to the world of b-movies! Hell, if Oscar will honour him, why not you?

Here’s to Roger Corman, a true cinematic legend and a hero to all b-movie lovers! Keep ‘em coming sir!

Wanna see more? Go buy this excellent box set of Roger Corman films:


You should also buy a copy of his excellent biography "How I Made a Hundred Movies in Hollywood and Never Lost a Dime":

Evil Toons

Cartoon violence can be a controversial thing. Cartoon rape and demonic possession, however, can be surprisingly entertaining!

After the success of Who Framed Roger Rabbit, the idea of combining live action with animation opened a world of possibilities for dazzling stories. Yet, here we are talking about Evil Toons. It’s your typical story of sexy co-eds stuck in an old house being terrorized by a psychotic demon and David Carradine; you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Except this time the evil little bastard is a cartoon that came to life from a drawing in everyone’s favourite satanic reading, the Necronomicon. That damn book has caused so many problems for so many innocent people, you’d think they would do a better job destroying it. Anyways, as you can imagine, the cartoon comes to life and all hell breaks loose.

Now for the most part this film is pretty entertaining; the girls are dumb as fuck and twice as naked, and the film does move along at a nice pace. However there are two problems with the film, and they both relate to the same thing: its title. Here’s the thing; it’s called Evil Toons. A title like that should indicate there are many evil toons that run amuck in this film, right? Apparently not; instead we get one. One stinking evil toon! That’s strike one! At least we should be able to see that toon wreak havoc, right? Again, not so much. The other major problem with the film is the toon only gets about five minutes of screen time! Are you kidding me? You promise me evil toons and all I get is one barely seen toon? That’s just balls!! So how does one lonely toon find time to terrorize a group of sexy co-eds with no screen time? Possession. That’s right, the toon possesses one of the girls, who then basically is your monster for most of the film. You see, this is what happens when you start shooting your brilliant idea without working out a budget first. Call this strike two! Fortunately for the film it never makes a third strike.

Evil Toons has all the right elements in place, but unfortunately it does not deliver. It really could have been a b-movie classic if more effort was put into it. Yet, it doesn’t completely disappoint; you get an abundance of boobs, David Carradine, a few good chuckles, and some remnants of a psychotic cartoon, so at least there’s enough there to please us feeble-minded drool monkeys. Still, it would have been great to see more evil toons…

Final Mark: 3/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: B-movie legend Dick Miller makes an appearance. The world needs more Dick Miller.
The Bad: It’s called Evil Toons, but it only gives you one pathetic toon. Someone declare shenanigans!
The Ugly: Pornstars do not have comic timing.
Food of Choice: Baked Ham in Champagne
Drink of Choice: Black Magic
Useless Trivia: Director Fred Olen Ray is a part-time professional wrestler who owns his independent wresting league. And if this film has anything to say, it’s that he probably wrestles about as good as he directs.
Favourite Quote: Megan - [after watching Roxanne strip] Wow, that was interesting.

Psycho Girls

Murder, torture, cannibalism, sweaty sex… All of this can be pretty traumatizing, but when one man survives all of this, what does he do? What else?... He writes his story…

As an aficionado of all things ‘b’, you go out of your way to research and discover titles to add to your collection. But it is always the ones that come out of left field, the ones you’re not looking for, that really surprise you. Take Psycho Girls for example: I’ve never even heard of this film, yet one day after leaving the TV on, this little craptacular gem started playing. And if I didn’t change the channel sooner like I should have, I wouldn’t have wasted two hours with this amazing piece of trash.

Some people have described Psycho Girls as a tongue-in-cheek horror. Those people are fucking idiots! There is nothing tongue-in-cheek about this; it is just awful, awful, awful! This is amateur filmmaking at its finest, and it is very painful to watch. Take every possible horror cliché you can think of, and I mean the bad ones, and throw them into a script that makes no sense, and this is what you end up with. Man, does this film suck!

So what’s it about? A writer right out of a hardboiled crime film writes a story about a particularily horrific event he was a part of, which turns out to be a useless trope for the plot. It starts out with a little girl who poisons her parents and is sent to the nuthouse for her efforts. Grown up and just as crazy, she then escapes, kills her sister, and takes on her identity to torture and murder some unlucky individuals planning a dinner party, including our fateful narrator. This leads to a very weird sequence where one of the guests discusses brain mechanics while munching on an unusually glutinous piece of steak tartare. The dinner party guests are then tied up and tortured by manical killer and her crew, one that oddly looks like Freddie Mercury. The guest are tortured one by one, leading to a climax that includes a duel with pipes, and ends on a twist so laughable you will resort to torturing your dinner guests.

Despite its unabashed levels of bad horror, Psycho Girls does have one thing going for it: the torture scenes are quire gruesome, so gruesome that it’s actually still banned in some regions. It’s essentially torture horror before torture horror became big. You can almost say that this film was ahead of its time. But even that is too much praise for this heaping pile of flaming garbage.

Psycho Girls is bad, painfully bad. Not one of the worst films out there, but it’s up there. Good gore, some good shock value, but it’s very amateurish. You get the feel that they were trying to make a good movie here, and that usually results in something bad but good; not this time. The fact that they sucked at making it makes it that much more tough to watch. If you think passing a large turd through an extreme case of hemorrhoids is fun, you’ll probably dig Psycho Girls.

Final Mark: 1/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: Kim Cayer. This chick is hot! She should have been a scream queen.

The Bad: A six-year-old writing a book report on Where’s Waldo would be better then writing than this cliché-ridden script.

The Ugly: That couple having sex sweats more than two pigs in a sauna… how do they grip anything?

In A Nutshell: Torture can work up an appetite; thank goodness for pizza places that also deliver pretzels and burritos and don’t call the cops when their delivery boy doesn’t return.

Useless Trivia: Director Jerry Ciccoritti had led one of the most successful directing careers in Canada shortly after making this film. If that doesn’t say enough about Canadian cinema I don’t know what does.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Narrator: She wasn't insane, she was beyond insane. She left insanity at the door. She was having a neck and neck race with sanity, and she was about to win.
• Narrator: That's my story. You can use it if you want. It would make for a good case study.