Splatter: Architects of Fear

Take it from me: working on movie sets suck balls. It is feasible to make it look interesting, but adding a character with bad make-up and a hard-on for gore is not one way to do it.

Splatter: Architects of Fear is a little movie with a nice concept that fails miserably in the first few minutes and repeatedly kicks you while you’re down up until the very end. The idea behind this movie is that it’s a documentary about special make-up effects filmmakers and the work they do, particularly on a gory horror film. First they show scenes from a film, a post-apocalyptic actioneer where mutants battle amazons, and then deconstruct that scene by showing how it was done. Not a bad idea, but that’s about as good as it gets.

One thing becomes apparent in the opening scene (after you get over the shock of the synth soundtrack and that bad ‘80’s video look) where we see two male victims cut up by amazons: these effects are terrible! For a documentary on special effects filmmaking, they picked the wrong people to focus on. These effects are bad, even for a b-movie. You know it’s bad when one guy suddenly turns into paper mache before getting stabbed in the eye. Sure, they’re using traditional low-budget techniques, but they’re not even doing it right. And it doesn’t even tell you how the effects are made, which would have been more interesting. I could have strung together better effects using play-doh and the hair from my ass! If these guys are still working in effects don’t hire them for your opus. Seriously.

As mentioned there is a movie within a movie here, which for the record I fucking hate, and though the effects suck there could at least be some substance there, right? Not in this case. This movie within a movie doesn’t make any sense; it’s just a bunch of random shit with no cohesive plot and pointless mind-numbing violence, which reaches a high point when we get to see an amazon woman literally ‘fuck the brains out’ of a mutant… and then proceed to explain how that effect is done. I’m not kidding. And when it starts to get remotely interesting, the documentary part of this movie takes you right out of it, which is incredibly annoying.

Yet, all of that could be forgiven if it wasn’t for one thing: Fang. See, film sets are boring… painfully boring… and the filmmakers knew this. So, to make it a little more entertaining, they introduce a delightful retarded character called Fang. As it turns out, Fang is a former Shakespearian actor who’s scarred from an accident and now works as a props master on horror films, getting hard-ons from seeing blood. But poor Fang just can’t catch a break and gets no respect at all on set, and assures that they’ll get what they deserve. I’ve seen my fair share of movies with annoying characters in them. But never I’ve wanted punch my television so bad before having sit though this flick and watch Fang in his many on-set adventures. The movie will probably leave you confused and frustrated, but Fang will flat-out piss you off!

Splatter: Architects of Fear is quite simply a stupid movie! The special effects suck, half of it is boring while the other half of it doesn’t make sense, and worst of all the character of Fang will make you angry. What’s even more painful is the fact that this film had potential; it had a good idea but did everything wrong in the process. It’s hard to recommend this pile of junk; it’s not even so bad it’s good, it’s just balls! It’ll bring tears to your eyes. Don’t even bother.

Final Mark: 1.5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The concept. A documentary about special effects and the people who make them is not a bad idea for its time.

The Bad: The special effects. Appears to come from the do-it-yourself-at-home-with-a-five-dollar-budget school of special effects. Total shit.

The Ugly: Fang. You’ll seriously want to punch him in his one good eye after a few minutes on screen.

In A Nutshell: I was saying boo-urns! Don’t waste your time. You will get angry.

Useless Trivia: The only member of the of the cast that seemed to have emerged unscathed by this movie is, of all people, the narrator; he has gone on to work on major studio films with the likes of Robin Williams, Matt Damon, and Robert De Nero. Lucky him.

Favourite Quote(s):

• Narrator: Of course this might not be the kind of work that gets you invited to the royal parties, but then, the architects of fear are blue blooded themselves.
• Fang (as he pulls a bucket of guts up on a rope): Now is the winter of my discontent.
• Special Effects Supervisor: You'll behave yourself if I get you some food?
  Fang: I promise.
  Special Effedcts Supervisor (offering arm): Well, here, chuck in!