Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

“The power of Christ impales you!”

If you are looking for brilliance in b-movie filmmaking, look no further! I love this movie! The film that inspired the inauguration of Bottom of the Barrel, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a true b-movie in all its horrible glory! Just the title alone grabs you and kicks you in the nuts with glee! In this adventure, Jesus is recruited to fight off a hoard of nasty vampires who are feeding off the blood of lesbians and stealing their skin. Why, you ask? Because lesbians carry cells in their skin that can protect vampires from the sunlight! Who would have thunk it?!

As the story progresses the list of Jesus’ enemies grow. They comprise of vampires Maxine Shreck and Johnny Golgotha, the sick and twisted skin doctor Dr. Praetorious, a group of atheists, and even one of Jesus’ own followers. When the going gets tough, Jesus enlists some of his friends to help in the effort, including the leather-clad secret agent Mary Magnum and Mexican wrestler El Santos, who can both kick some serous ass in their own right! But they’re not nearly as bad ass as the Son of God himself, who has some mean kung-fu skills. And believe it or not Jesus actually looks good with a haircut. His parents also each make an appearance along the way; God shows up in a bowl of ice cream and cherries, and Mary is your typical nagging mother. By the end of the film good prevails, lesbians are safe, and Jesus gets to squeeze a very large ass!

This film has everything you could ever want in a b-movie: vampires, kung-fu, bad acting, blood and gore (complete with a beating by internal organs), lesbians, punk rock priests, Mexican wrestling, a wild-eyed narrator, and even a musical number! It is also low budget, independent filmmaking at its finest; you can tell that everybody is somebody else’s family or friend in this movie. And there are some great comedic moments in this film, as well as some great lines. The fight scenes are a lot of fun, and they even come up with some clever ways kill off vampires! It’s a truly bizarre film in every which way imaginable, and that’s makes it so amazing; it’s a b-movie that can entertain you and even inspire you to love a lesbian just a little more.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is a title that will stick out in your mind, and if that title alone doesn’t get you to watch the film, then you have no idea what you’d be missing. It is a b-movie like no other, and is surely to become a classic! It is a story about our savior that they should include in the Bible! What more can you ask for? Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is campy, hilarious fun that is worth going to hell for! It is the ultimate of b-movies! And if there is one thing to take from this film, it’s that ‘everybody gets laid tonight!’

Final Mark: 5/5



EXTRA CRAP
The Good: The final climactic battle where Jesus battles Johnny Golgotha, and at the same time Jesus shows up at Dr. Praetorious’s hideout. When Praetorious ask how can he be here and there at the same time, Jesus declares, “I am everywhere!” Genius!
The Bad: Killing off Father Alban, the punk rock priest with the mohawk, in the first ten minutes. That sucks! He was the coolest character! More priests should have mohawks and leather jackets.
The Ugly: A close-up shot of Jesus getting his ears pierced; Ugh, I really didn’t need to see that. And there’s something unsanitary about impaling a vampire while taking a dump…
Food of Choice: Cheesy Garlic Bread
Drink of Choice: Flaming Jesus
Useless Trivia: The film was shot over a two-year period in and around Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. They would shoot without following the continuity of Jesus’ hair cut. Watch for the length of his hair change throughout the movie.
Favourite Quote: Dr. Pretorious - We’re running short on skin. We’ll need to harvest more lesbians.